Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Weigh-in Wednesday: Take This Scale and Shove It

There’s a simple explanation: Mistakes were made.

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last weigh-in: 265.5
Current weight: 266.0
Loss: +.5
Total loss since re-start: 4.0 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Do opposite of everything I’ve been doing for past week.



Monday, September 29, 2014

Cascade Ice Baby!



Yo, SHT, Let's kick it!

Cascade Ice Baby!
Cascade Ice Baby!

All right stop,
And listen to ol’ Jacky.
I’m back with a review for a PR flacky.
Somebody knows that I’m such a big cheapskate,
Love free stuff like I won some kind of sweepstakes.
What’s in the package? Yo – I don't know.
Hope it’s that Samsung GearFit Pro!
Grab up the box, and I rip it like a wolverine.
What? A bottle of water that’s flavored like a tangerine?

Water! It’s a bunch of bottled waters!
Hmm, better hide it
From my wife and my daughters.

Zero! That’s the number of the calories.
Sugar-free, you see, so you won’t get lotsa cavities.
I’m thinkin’ you’ll love it and you won’t gain weight.
A sparkling organic water that tastes really great!
You’re gonna wanna try it, that’s what I’m thinkin’.
Check out the hook while I gets back to drinkin’…

Cascade Ice Baby!
Cascade Ice Baby!
Cascade Ice Baby!
Cascade Ice Baby!




USDA Certified Organic
No calories, no sweeteners, no sodium

Made with premium water, carbonation and
USDA Certified Organic fruit essences, extracts and oils.

Rating: ONE MILLION STARS!



Sunday, September 28, 2014

Gorge of the Jungle

"Cheetah, beer me!"

"I can't believe you've got that monkey bringing your lazy ass alcoholic beverages, Jackzan," frowned Jane.

"I tried to teach him to make banana dacquairis, but they were a little too banana-y."

"You used to be so fit," complained Jane. "Remember how you used to swing on vines through the forest?"

"Well, why'd we buy that Little Rascal if you didn't want me using it?"

"WE DIDN'T BUY IT! YOU BOUGHT IT!"

"Look," said Jackzan. "I don't want to argue about who did or didn't agree or not agree about what we should or shouldn't buy or not buy..."

"We've known each other for a long time," smiled Jane. "I just know that you look and feel better when you're at a healthier weight. For God's sake, Simba the elephant collapsed the other day when you tried to ride her."

"Okay," said Jackzan, standing up and stretching. "C'mon, Cheetah. We're going for a swim."

"Ummmm, Jackzan?"

"Yeah."

"Your loin cloth is showing an awful lot of loin."





Friday, September 26, 2014

Now Playing at the Jack Sh*t Movieplex

• The Hundred-Pound Journey

• The Fault in Our Carbs

• Skin(less) City: A Dame to Grill For

• The Zero-Calorie Theorum

• Hector and the Search for Healthiness

• Guardians of the Gravity

• Pounds Gone Girl

• Transformers: Age of Reduction

• Tummy

• The (Weight) Drop

• If I Stray

• This is Where I Leave Food

• A Walk Among the Tombstones Burns 250 Calories


• Lose-y

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: In For a Penny…

This morning when I stepped on the scale, I saw a bright light and heard a thousand angels singing the hallelujah chorus.

“PISA!” I screamed at my daughter upstairs. “WILL YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN YOUR NEW ‘HALLELUJAH CHORUS’ CD? I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF WEIGH IN!”

That girl…

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last weigh-in: 267.1
Current weight: 265.5
Loss: 1.6 lbs.
Total loss since re-start: 4.5 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Keep keep keeping on!

Monday, September 22, 2014

More Fitness Tips for the Budget-Conscious

• You can make your own weighted exercise vest by simply using a suicide bomber’s vest (remember NOT to pull the rip cord!).

• You can make housework aerobic by coming over to my house and letting me yell at you to clean it up faster. Faster, dammit, FASTER!

• You can make your kettlebell by welding an iron “C” to a heavy metal ball.

• You can get a half-price gym membership by having a friend that looks identical to you join along with you.

• You can make your own bottled water by filling a bottle with water, dumbass.

• If your work makes you pay for an elevator pass, take the stairs instead.

• Know which foods you need to make certain you choose organic (for example: apples and strawberries – yes, Pop-Tarts – no).

• If you buy a pig to save money on pork products, be sure not to name him Snortimer Pigglesworth. There’s no way you’ll be able to kill Snortimer. He’s too cute!


• Inexpensive wine tastes fine as long as you drink enough of it.


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