Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for this Great Health!

• Making your own sushi is much cheaper than going out, and you can do it with items you probably already have around the house, such as a sushi mat, sushi vinegar, sushi rice, sushi seaweed and a sushi chef.

• You can make your own “100-calorie packs” by putting 100 calories worth of any food into a plastic bag, dumbass.

• Only eat processed foods if you process them yourself.

• One way to spend a smaller percentage of your income on food is by getting a job where you make more money.

• When you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, remember to wear your coat with Ziploc bags sewn into the inner lining.

• One way to get easy access to fresh vegetables is to marry a farmer.

• You can get free eggs and free milk if you can figure out some way to breed a cow with a chicken.

• Want a free membership to a fitness center? All you have to do is invent a shrink ray to make yourself too tiny to be seen.

• Organic bananas are much more expensive than the regular kind, unless you change the sticker on them like I do.

• You can make your own juicer using a hammer and… well, I guess that’s really all you need.

• Why spend money on expensive health books and magazines when I provide world-class nutrition and fitness information right chere?

Monday, February 8, 2016

Welcome to my Super Bowl party!

Neighbor: Ummmmm… am I the first one here?

Jack: No way! Folks have been coming in and out all day.

Neighbor: Well, here… I brought this.

Jack: Thanks! (throws it in trash can)

Neighbor: Ummm… did you just throw my 7-layer dip away?

Jack: Yeah, that’s about four too many layers. This is a healthy Super Bowl party!

Neighbor: A healthy Super Bowl party?

Jack: Yeah, I whipped up a bunch of my world-famous Figs in a Blanket.

Neighbor: I see.

Jack: Over there you got your Swedish Wheatballs, Squash Sliders, Crustless Raw Veggie Pizza and Cottage Cheesecake.

Neighbor: What’s that in the center?

Jack: That’s my Tofu-tball. It’s not what you think it is…

Neighbor: Is it a football made out of tofu?

Jack: Well, that was a pretty lucky guess. I’ve got some games planned, too. Every time an announcer says a team needs to take care of the football, everybody has to do twenty burpees. Say… what? You’ve gotta leave already? Another party to go to? Okay then. Have a healthy Super Bowl Sunday!

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Yes, I Can Help You Eat Less

• Eat off a smaller plate, using even smaller utensils, at a minuscule table inside a tiny house.

 Treat yourself to a Hershey's kiss every time you eat 100 celery stalks.

 Always take the first spoonful of yogurt and fling it at your child - (1) over time the calories will really add up and (2) the kid probably did something to deserve it.

 Every time you have a craving for something sweet, slam your finger in the car door.

 When you go out to eat, ask your waitress to bring half of your entree out as an appetizer, serve half as your main course and box up the remaining half for you to have as lunch tomorrow.

 You don't have to finish off that bottle of wine tonight; you can stick it in the fridge and it'll keep at least one more day.

 There's a simple way to tell if your serving size is too large:  it's ALWAYS too large.

 Drink a big glass of water before your meal and then a big glass of water instead of your meal.

 Ask your waiter: What's your least popular dish?

 When you're in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint, ask yourself “What the hell am I doing in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint?”

 Yes, it's a sin to waste food but I believe “gluttony” is on the big board as well.

 Chew each bite 20 times (or at least two).

  There's one guaranteed way to make you eat less:  let me cook for you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Roundhog Day

Radio: (singing) Then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb.

Jack (smashing radio): I hate oldies radio!

Radio: ….babe… I… zzzt… got you babe… zzzt.

Cut to Jack in front of TV camera.

Jack:  Once again the eyes of the nation have turned here to this… tiny blog in western … blah blah blah blah blah. There is no way…  that this weight loss journey… is ever going to end… as long as this round hog eats too much and doesn’t exercise enough. I don’t see any other way out.

Jack: It’s gotta be stopped.

Jack: And I have to stop it.

Cameraman: Uh, real good, Jack. Real good.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

This Plan Cannot Fail (Unless It Doesn't Work)

Tried eating more and exercising less, and that didn’t work.

So I tried exercising less and eating more and that didn’t work either.

Tried exercising little more, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Tried eating little less, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Now I’m gonna try not eating more anymore and not exercising less anymore.

More less-eating.

Less exercising  less.

Less more-eating.

More exercising more.

Okay... locked and loaded.

Let's go!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Ha! I Just Wasted Your Precious, Precious Time!

Dammit! Somebody told me that their blog
wrote itself, so I thought I'd try it.
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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Weight-Loss Nursery Rhymes

The Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl blogged ‘bout his weight.
The more he wrote, the less he ate.
The less he ate, the more losses occurred.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

Baa Baa Fat Sheep
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any determination?
No sir, no sir,
Need some motivation.
Some to make me eat less,
And some to make me move,
And some from all the blogs
That keep me in my groove.
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any will?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Now I’m made of steel.

Georgie Pudgie
Georgie Pudgie, pudding and pie,
Ate all the time and didn’t know why.
Ate all his pain, and boredom and strife.
Georgie Pudgie ate his life.

Pop Goes the L-Bs
Half a pound’s a very good job.
Half a pound’s no fail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes.
Down! Goes the scale.
Working hard is really hard work,
But you can prevail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes,
Down! Goes the scale.

Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle,
Too much in the middle,
You blew up just like a balloon.
Being more fit is way much more fun.
Now get moving and put down that spoon!

Healthy-boy Jickory Jack
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack,
He wants a healthy snack.
The clock struck three,
Raw almonds, green tea.
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack.

Little Boy You
Little boy you, come blog your journey.
Be you housewife, mechanic, doc or attorney.
Where you live is not the big question.
Fill us in on your progression.
Will you give up? No, not you.
Just do the best that you can do.

Little Jack Sh*tter
Little Jack Sh*tter
Goofs off on Twitter,
Tweeting for all that he’s worth.
They may be dumb,
But I’ll tell ya, chum.
It helps him to fight off his girth.

Monday’s Meal
Monday's meal is full of fat.
Tuesday's meal is more of that.
Wednesday's meal is indefensible.
Thursday’s meal much more sensible.
Friday's meal is 1500 calories at most.
Saturday’s meal is melba toast.
And then it comes down to weigh-in day…
Why didn’t I lose weight today?


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