Saturday, January 24, 2015

I Won't Grow Fat!

Are you ready for today's lesson?

Yes, Peter!

Listen to your teacher.
Repeat after me:

I won't grow fat,
(I won't grow fat)
I don't want to be a pig.
(I don't want to be a pig)
Just to eat all day long,
(Just to eat all day long)
And have my pants be really big.
(And have my pants be really big)
If growing fat means
It would be impossible
To see my wee,
I'll never grow fat, never grow fat, never grow fat
Not me!
Not I,
Not me!
Not me!

I won't grow fat,
(I won't grow fat)
Don’t wanna wear XXXL.
(don’t wanna wear XXXL)
And see in a photograph
(And see in a photograph)
That I really look like Hell.
(That I really look like Hell)
And if that means I must admit
That it’s time for me to get more fit,

I'll never grow fat, never grow fat, never grow fat
Not me,
Not I,
Not me!
So there!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Big Fat Jack

Ev’ry day was the same, he’d eat himself a ton.
He stood six foot four and weighed two ninety-one.

Kinda broad in the belly, always eating to excess.

And everybody knew he was a big fat mess…Big Jack.

Big Jack, Big Jack… Big Fat Jack.

Nobody seemed to know why Jack was so obese.
They just stood back and watched his waistline increase.

He’d eat anything if you’d care to fry it.

If you had any sense, you never said “diet” to Big Jack. 

I met him at the Fair up near Portland, Maine.
A smile on a face smudged with blueberry stain.
Walking around with a blue ribbon on his chest;
He didn’t even know it was a pie-eating contest – Big Jack
Big Jack, Big Jack… Big Fat Jack.

Then came that day a couple years back,
He finally decided to get his life on track.
Realized that fat just wasn’t really his fate.
Decided he was “over” being “overweight”.

So he started to blog and got his sh*t straight.
Started exercising and watching what he ate.
He vowed to keep tryin’ and always do his best,

And every week there seemed to be a little less of Big Jack.

Big Jack, Big Jack… Big Fat Jack

He began eating things like parsnips and kale,
And soon didn’t dread stepping onto the scale.
It seemed as though he finally solved the riddle
Of ridding the muddle attached round his middle… Big Jack.
Big Jack, Big Jack... Big Bad Jack.

He finally reached his goal, but a goal’s not the end,
Cuz this journey doesn’t a finish line, my friend.
Some weeks he yells out “Damn, I gained another pound!”
So he keeps keeping on, so you wanna stick around… for Big Jack.

That’s why he keeps blogging, why he’s still here,
Instead of eating Cheetos and swilling lotsa beer.
He’s working really hard, he’s set his body free.
And never again does he ever wanna be… Big Jack.
Big Jack, Big Jack... Big Fat Jack.

If you think that he’s ever gonna call in and quit,
Well, I tell ya, my friend, you don’t know Jack Sh*t.
So let him be your health and weight-loss guide.
I can promise you it’s gonna be a helluva ride.
Fit Jack.Fit Jack, Fit Jack... Fit Jack Sh*t.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Just A Few More Weight-Loss Songs for the Wee Little Children

Bleak Big Blobs of Bulgy Bulky Belly Fat

Bleak big blobs of bulgy bulky belly fat
Weighty lazy whalelike waist, chubby chins below my face.
Bleak big blobs of bulgy bulky belly fat
Time to put down my spooooon.

*great big disappointed sigh*

Weigh-oh, Wei-ei-ei-ohhhh
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.
Weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh…
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.

Work all night on a Coke and rum.
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.
Eat all I wanna til the mornin’ come.
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.

It’s eight o’clock, nine o’clock, ten ‘clock BRUNCH!
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.
Ten-thirty, eleven-ten, eleven-twenty LUNCH!
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.

Weigh-oh, Wei-ei-ei-ohhhh
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.
Weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh…
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.

Come, Mister Jacky Man, don’t eat all you wanna.
Weigh-in come and you wan’ go down.
A sensible lunch and an afternoon banana.
Weigh-in come and you wan’ go down.

Weigh-in come and you wanta go down.

The Pants Go Inching Down

The pants go inching down one size, hurrah, hurrah
The pants go inching down one size, hurrah, hurrah!
The pants go inching down one size,
I’m glad I gave up those French fries.

I love how it feels when

The pants go inching down.

Monday, January 19, 2015

More MLK Health Quotes

• “Life’s two most persistent and urgent questions are, ‘What are you doing for others?’ and ‘Why is everything so damn delicious?’”

• “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase,
and buying that pair of jeans three sizes smaller than you can wear right now.”

• “The time is always right to eat what is right.”

• “We must accept finite disappointment on the scale, but never lose infinite hope that we can eat better and exercise more.”

• “Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness. Or cheese fries.”

• “Fitness progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... every step toward the goal of better health requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.”

• “If you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward and let’s finish this stupid 5K.”

• “I have decided to stick with health. Weight is too great a burden to bear.”

• “Healthiness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.”

• “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. Or letting Jack spot you at the gym when you’re doing chest presses with the free weights.”

I don't have a dream, 
but I DO have more MLK health quotes

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I Feel Pretty!


I feel sh*tty.

Pants don’t fit me.

I feel sh*tty, fulla pity and fat,

And I pity

Anybody who feels like that.

I feel heavy.

Oh so heavy.

Like a Chevy, so heavy I feel.

And so sh*tty,
Like I ate way too much last meal.

See the sh*tty guy in that mirror there?
How did his pants get so tight?
Such a flabby ass.
Such a flabby gut.
Such a flabby neck.
Such a flabby me!

I feel rotten.

Health forgotten,
And making me ill.
And I feel 
My life heading straight downhill.


Have you met my good friend Jack Sh*tty?

The craziest dude in blogdom.

You'll know from the minute you read him.

He’ll inspire you to get out and jog some.

He thinks he’s so funny.

He thinks he’s a wit.

He isn’t that funny.

He don’t know Jack Sh*t.
But he tries really hard
To help and inspire.
He wants you to be healthy
And lose that spare tire.

So keep up with it
Stay more active
You don’t have to be the person you were.
Lazy and fat
Health on the decline.
Washing down Fritos
With glasses of wine.
Mister Sh*tty Man, Mr. Sh*tty man, post.
Mr. Sh*tty man, write one more post.


I feel sweaty.

Oh so steady.
And I’m ready to finally break free.
So tough titty,
Nothing's ever gonna stop me!

I feel hearty.

Not so farty.

I feel healthy and hearty and fine.

And so happy.

My future is finally mine.

See the muscley man in that mirror there.

How did his muscles get so puffy?

Such muscley lats.

Such muscley glutes
Such muscley guns.

Such a muscley me!


I feel happy.

Not so crappy.

Feel like running and trying my best.

For I’m healthy,

On a healthy health-finding quest!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Thank You Veggie Much

What did the apple skin say to the apple?
I’ve got you covered, due to the fact that a medium apple with the skin contains 4.4 grams of fiber. Without the skin, you're only getting 2.1 grams, not even enough to qualify it as a “good source of fiber” (the cutoff is 3 grams).

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the vegetable parties?
Because they’re such fungis (Get it? Get it? Fun guys!) Plus, everybody digs the fact that their long chain polysaccharides, particularly alpha and beta glucan molecules, provide a beneficial effect on

What is King Kong's favorite food?
Ape-ricots …* cough * … excuse me… I meant apricots, because they’re full of beta-carotene and fiber.

Knock Knock!

Who's there?


Bean who?

Bean a while since I last saw ya! Since then, I’ve learned that beans contain a wide range of cancer-fighting plant chemicals, specifically isoflavones and phytosterols which are associated with reduced cancer risk.

What happens when you sit on a grape?

It gives a little wine, and everyone knows that red-wine tannins contain procyanidins, which protect against heart disease.

Why are radishes smart?

Because they’re so well-red! Plus, with a very low calorie count (less than 20 calories in an entire cup), radishes are a great way to add nutrients, fiber and tons of flavor to your meals without compromising your health.
What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

I yam what I yam, which is a great nutritional source with over 400% of your daily needs for vitamin A in one medium spud, as well as loads of fiber and potassium.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Past Tense... Future Perfect

I’m not sure if it was a crazy dream or some kind of NyQuil-induced hallucination or simply me trying out the time travel app that my crazy inventor uncle developed, but there I was, staring at an elderly version of myself laying on my deathbed.

“Hey, nice deathbed,” I said.

“Thanks, I got it at Ikea, along with the death-nightstand,” muttered the prone figure. “I put it together myself.”

“Well, that explains why it’s leaning over all kattywompus,” I remarked, taking a chair close to the bed. “Am I here to bear witness to your final words?”

“Dramatic much?” sneered the Jack on the bed. “No, I called you here to tell you it was worth it, all those grueling hours spent at the gym and all those long miles you walked.”

“Don’t you mean ‘ran’?” I asked.

We both broke out in a laugh over that, which sent elderly Jack into a spasm of coughing.

“I don’t have much time,” he told me, staring at me with those beautiful midnight green eyes of his. “But I just wanted to encourage you to keep pursuing your healthy living goals. It’s all worth it in the end.”

“Thanks, old Jack,” I smiled, taking his withered hand in mine. “That means…”


Old Jack jumped out of bed, springing past me. I wanted to speak but felt myself being tugged away back to my own time. I could hear the echoes of his voice in the distance…



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