Monday, April 20, 2015

Healthy 4/20 Munchies

• Canna-Banana-Bis

• Whole-Weed Bread

• Fruity Doobie

• Acaplumco Gold

• Low-Cal Loco

• Maui Walnut Wowie

• Panama Red Radish

 Bambalacha Baklava

• Colorado Collards

• Pot Choy

• Berry Jane

• Quiche Hashish

• Lean Ground Reefer

• Poached Roach

• Half a Cup of Herbs

• Ganja Guava Spritzer

Friday, April 17, 2015

Sexiest Healthy Snacks

• Carrots with Raunch Dressing
• Casaba Melons
• Protein Shake
• Carnal Corn
• Nut Butter
• G-string Cheese
• Really Raw Veggies
• Bread and Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• Sticky Rice
• Prickly Pear
• Tossed Salad
• Kumquats
• 50 Shades of Grape
• Ass-paragus
• “Afternoon Delight” (handful of raw almonds, cup of green tea)
• Steamy Broccoli

• Jack Sh*take Mushrooms

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Butch and the Slimdown Kid

Kid: Dammit! I’m hungry!

Jack: Well, the way I figure it, we can either diet or give. If we give, we go back to being obese. 

Kid: I’ve been there already.

Jack: But if we diet, we may get starved out. Or we’ll get too weak to work out. Might even get malnourished and get sick. What else can happen?

Kid: We could eat what we want and lose weight, but I wouldn’t count on that.

Jack: Kid, the next time I say let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers, let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers.

Kid: Next time. (pause) Ready for lunch?

Jack: No, we’ll exercise…

Kid: Like hell we will.

Jack: No, it’ll be okay. If we don’t try to bench press too much and get squished to death. It’ll build muscle and help burn fat faster.

Kid: How do you know?

Jack: Would you work out if you didn’t have to?

Kid: I have to and I’m not gonna.

Jack: Well, we got to, otherwise we’re not ever gonna lose these extra pounds. Come on…

Kid: Just one donut, that’s all I want.

Jack: Come on.

Kid: Uh uh

Jack: We got to!

Kid: Nope! Get away from me!

Jack: Why?

Kid: I don’t wanna go!

Jack: You wanna diet?

Kid: Do you?

Jack: Alright. I’ll work out first.

Kid: Nope.

Jack: Then you work out first.

Kid: No, I said.

Jack: What’s the matter with you?


Jack: Bwhahahahahahahaha. Why, you crazy! The gym doesn’t even have a pool, dumbass!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Tip-to-Toe Health Tips

• You actually burn more calories by taking the elevator instead of stairs as long as you do a continuous series of backflips.

 Commonly touched objects such as doorknobs can transmit cold- and flu-causing viruses; reduce risks by up to 90% by using disinfectant wipes on them or learning to turn a doorknob with your butt cheeks.

 Replace honey-baked ham with ham-baked honey.

 A mustache can aggravate hay fever by trapping pollen, but can alleviate hunger by trapping crumbs from that sandwich at lunch.

 A recent study showed that participants who kept their bedrooms at 66 degrees burned more than seven percent more calories overnight than those in a 75-degree room, so consider sleeping in an igloo.

 Scientists have confirmed that using red plates can help you eat less, though not as much less as using plates with a picture of you in a bathing suit printed on them.

 Make pro/con list before decided to start smoking. Pro: makes you look kinda cool. Con: Proven to cause emphysema, cancer and heart disease and is responsible for 440,000 American deaths every year.

 You can make your own healthy salad dressing by putting healthy salad dressing ingredients into a bottle and mixing it up, dumbass.

 To reduce stress, understand that you can’t always get what you want. No, you can’t always get what you want. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime… well, you might find… WHOOO… YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Famous Weight-Loss TV Shows from the 60's

• The Beverly Healthbillies
• The Try-lite Zone
• Lean Acres
• Make Room for Fatty
• Leave it to Eater
• The Many Lbs of Dobie Gillis
•  Mission: Slimpossible
• Banana Bonanza
• I Dream of Teeny
• The Man From. U.N.F.I.T.
• Hogan’s Hippos
• Have Seatbelt-Extender, Will Travel
• The Dick Can Hike Show
• Hawaii Five-0-0
• My Favorite Marshmallow
• Bewitched & Dewaisted
• Petticoat Dysfunction
• The Too-Much-Bread-y Bunch
• Rowan & Martin’s Weigh-In
• I Love Loosey
• The Fattass Family
• Starve Trek


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