Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

More Healthy Gifts for Valentine's Day

2012-02-10T06:00:00.000-06:00

• Love poem inscribed on stalk of celery

• Heart-shaped box of nonfat cottage cheese

• Romantic half-marathon on the beach

• Crunches by candlelight

• 15-minute workout with the original “Shakeweight”

• Bicycle built for two and entry to IronDuo Triathalon

• Read each other romantic passages from Jillian Michaels’ saucy bestseller Master Your Metabolism

• “Let’s Play Doctor” game (with blood pressure monitor)

• Diet love potion

• Nude portrait of you at goal weight

• Chinchilla yoga mat

• A little Afternoon Delight (and yes, by “Afternoon Delight” I do mean “a nap”)

Need more ideas? Sheesh! Okay... here ya go.

Even More Ways to Make Your Office More Healthy

2012-02-09T06:00:00.000-06:00

• To make yourself take the stairs, fill the elevator shaft with packing peanuts.

• Encourage shorter sit-down meetings by putting a loaded pistol on the table in front of you and mumbling incoherently.

• Buy everything in the vending machine, empty each package and replace the contents with healthy alternatives and then figure out some way to get them back in the machine.

• If a co-worker brings in a box of donuts, say “Hey, thanks for the donuts” in such a way that they’ll feel utter shame in what they did but that others won’t think you’re a jerk.

• See about getting your job responsibilities changed to “testing out effectiveness of local personal training programs.”

• Replace hold music with Jillian Michael’s shrieking “Get up and move your ass!” over and over.

• Organize a “Biggest Gainer” contest at your office; that way, even if you’re not losing weight, you’ll still feel better about yourself!

• Replace your office chair with a unicycle.

•Talk to your supervisor about the possibility of replacing the supply closet with a state-of-the-art workout facility.

Jack Sh*ttiday & the Fatpants Kid

2012-02-08T06:00:00.001-06:00

Kid: Dammit! I’m hungry!

Jack: Well, the way I figure it, we can either diet or give. If we give, we go back to being obese.

Kid: I’ve been there already.

Jack: But if we diet, we may get starved out. Or we’ll get too weak to work out. Might even get malnourished and get sick. What else can happen?

Kid: We could eat what we want and lose weight, but I wouldn’t count on that.

Jack: Kid, the next time I say let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers, let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers.

Kid: Next time. (pause) Ready for lunch?

Jack: No, we’ll exercise…

Kid: Like hell we will.

Jack: No, it’ll be okay. If we don’t try to bench press too much and get squished to death. It’ll build muscle and help burn fat faster.

Kid: How do you know?

Jack: Would you work out if you didn’t have to?

Kid: I have to and I’m not gonna.

Jack: Well, we got to, otherwise we’re not ever gonna lose these extra pounds. Come on…

Kid: Just one donut, that’s all I want.

Jack: Come on.

Kid: Uh uh

Jack: We got to!

Kid: Nope! Get away from me!

Jack: Why?

Kid: I don’t wanna go!

Jack: You wanna diet?

Kid: Do you?

Jack: Alright. I’ll work out first.

Kid: Nope.

Jack: Then you work out first.

Kid: No, I said.

Jack: What’s the matter with you?

Kid: I CAN’T SWIM!

Jack: Bwhahahahahahahaha. Why, you crazy! The gym doesn’t even have a pool, dumbass!

Even More Ways to Make Your Kids Eat Healthier

2012-02-07T06:00:00.000-06:00

• Two choices: eat this celery stalk or get slapped by it!

• Take out the Pop-Tart filling and replace with mashed sweet potato.

• Take them to a slaughterhouse to show them just how sausage is made, or if you really want to shake them up, take them to your job and show them how money to buy sausage is made.

• Tell your child that eating broccoli is like “eating a little tree”; if he replies, “Why would I want to eat a little tree?” then you should answer, “Just shut up and eat the stupid broccoli!”

• Though it can get expensive, my “quarter-per-pea” method generally gets results.

• Start calling Brussels sprouts “baby boom-boom cabbages.”

• Every time your children take a bite of something unhealthy, clang cymbals together loudly right behind their heads.

• Remember, you get more success by using the carrot than the stick (except when trying to get kids to eat carrots; the stick is definitely the way to go there).

• There’s a simple way to get kids to like eggplant (I just don’t know what it is…).

• Kids learn by watching their parents, so you really to learn to pretend you’re enjoying eating vegetables.

Puffy The Tragic Draggin’ Ass

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000-06:00

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, lived life obese 
And ate and snacked in his Lazy-Boy
While he watched his health decrease. 
Little Jackie Sh*tter got on Puffy’s case,
And did his best to lead him to a healthy living place. Oh!

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, didn’t want to change. 
His calorie counts had more numbers than the New York Stock Exchange.  
Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass was short-changing his own health.
But he never was gonna change things if he couldn’t change himself.    

Together those two plotted to do something about his mass.
Jackie made a plan to work on Puffy’s gigantic ass.
Exercise and nutrition, have become the big man’s friend,
And now he gets excited whenever he weighs in. Oh!

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, has really changed his ways.
No longer does he take Lipitor dipped in mayonnaise.
Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass is wearing smaller slacks.
And’s even startin’ bloggin’ (tho his site’s not dumb as Jack’s).   

No one lives forever (though that is Jackie’s plan),
But livin’ longer’s easier when you’re a healthy man.
Puffy learned his lesson: good health you can’t ignore.
And Puffy plans to be a healthy person forevermore.

His head is held up proudly, he looks good in his clothes.
Puffy no longer checks a mirror to see if he’s got toes.
He wakes up with lots of energy; his future’s not so gray,
And Puffy the magic weight-loss guy’s ready for a brand new day. Oh…

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, lived extra wide, 
But discovered he didn’t have to, his fate his to decide.  
Puffy, the magic weight-loss guy, finally broke free.
And frolicks in the autumn mist in a land called Healthy Me.

11 Questions, 11 Answers And An 11-lb Loss

2012-02-05T06:00:00.000-06:00

Wait... I may have put a decimal point in the wrong spot. Oh well...

Weekly weigh-in: 250.4
Loss: -1.1
 Total loss: -41.1
Emotion: Movin' and Groovin'

I was tagged by TJ at TJ’s Test Kitchen (who knows for a fact just how much I dislike these things) to take part in this question list.

But just to spite her, I’m gonna have fun with it! FUN, YOU HEAR ME, TJ?!!? FUN!!!! SO MUCH FUN THAT FUN STARTS LEAKING OUT OF MY FREAKIN’ EARS!!!!

   The Rules (BECAUSE WHAT IS MORE FUN THAN A BUNCH OF RULES?):

1. Post these rules. 
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself. 
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer. 
5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them. 
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

So here we go ....

Jack’s Random 11

1. I overtip at restaurants because my dad Horace is a notoriously terrible tipper.

2. I was diagnosed with astigmatism when I was 7 or 8 and put in glasses. Five years later, the doc said my eyes weren’t getting any better or worse, so I quit wearing the glasses and have never worn them since.

3. I won the King Bee reading contest in first grade.

4. We had a lady come in to do laundry when my daughter Pisa was little; it turns out that all she was doing was spraying them with Febreeze and ironing them while watching TV.

5. When doing a family history project for school, I learned that I have a Mississippi relative that went to Parchman prison for killing his father during an argument over a cigarette lighter.

6. Marc Gasol, the center for the Memphis Grizzlies NBA team who signed a max contract this year ($48 million over 4 years) owes me $5. I let him borrow a five-spot when he was a high school senior and told him he could pay me back when he made it to the NBA.

7. I had an uncle who got so drunk that he ran his car into a train. In the middle.

8. I own three watches; I never, ever wear a watch.

9. When I was an infant, my mother once gave me (and I drank) a bottle of spoiled milk.

10. The worse flop-sweat I ever got was during an interview for a job I didn’t even want.

11. I have visited every state in the U.S. except for the 27 that I consider to be lame.

My answers to TJ’s questions

1. Favorite holiday? The next one on the calendar.

2. What is the best gift you ever given to someone? The gift of Life (to my daughters).

3. Who taught you to cook? My mother. I watched what she did, and tried to do the exact opposite.

4. Any ingredient that scares you? Cilantro. Most people don’t realize that this is actually poison.

5. What city/state were you born in? Memphis, TN

6. Ice cream or frozen yogurt? Yes, please.

7. What flavors/toppings? Nothing. Nada. Nil.

8. If you could play with a toy from your childhood today- what would it be?

9. Got a nickname? Sh*t-For-Brains

10. How long does it take you to take a shower & get ready to start your day? 12 minutes

11. Are you afraid of any animals? Weiner dogs

My Tagees:

1. Anne @ Carb Tripper
2. Jody @ Truth2BeingFit
3. Chris @ A Deliberate Life
4. Stephen @ Who Ate My Blog
5. Cyndi @ RunRollRepeat -
6. Dawn @ Fixing Myself Thinner -
7. Kelly @ Happy Texans
8. Charlie @ Operation: Shrink Charlie’s Big Butt
9. Lily Fluffbottom @ Lily Fluffbottom’s Weight Loss Adventure
10. Tammy @ Fat to Fab
11. Mary @ A Merry Life

Questions for the Tagees:

1. What movie title best describes this point in your life?
2. What food makes you think of your childhood?
3. What is your best feature?
4. Which cartoon character do you most resemble?
5. What are you most grateful for?
6. Would you rather go without salt or pepper?
7. Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right places for their eyes?
8. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
9. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
10. First thing you’d do if you won the lottery?
11. Who’s your favorite blogger named “Jack”?

Healthy Super Bowl Party Ideas

2012-02-03T06:00:00.000-06:00

• Mount big-screen TV on back of pick-up truck and have someone drive it on 10K course while everyone jogs behind

• Figs-in-a-blanket

• Every time team gets a first down, everybody does 10 lunges

• Halftime Zumba

• Salami? No. Kohlrabi? Yes!

• Keg of fresh, cold aqua

• Serve a huge bowl of M&M’s (melons and mangoes)

• Every time announcer says “They have to establish their running game,” everybody has to eat a stalk of celery.

• Move all furniture out of living room and have guests re-enact each play during game

• Football-shaped beet-loaf

• Have each guest predict final score and loss on next weigh-in

• AstroTurf appetizers (wheatgrass on melba toast)

• Instead of chips-n-dip, how’s about prunes-n-prawns?

One last thing: whatever you do, please don’t invite me to your Super Bowl party if you plan on following any of these tips!

Two Stories About Two Frogs

2012-02-02T06:00:00.001-06:00

Once there were these two frogs in fell into a bucket of milk. One struggled for a bit, but quickly realized that fighting would do no good and gave up. He sank to the bottom of the bucket and drowned. However, the second frog decided that he was going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning turned the cream into butter and he was able to hop out of the bucket.

Moral: Never stop fighting.

Once there were these two frogs who fell into a patch of quicksand. The first one decided that he wasn’t going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning sent him straight to the bottom of the pit where he promptly drowned. The second frog quickly realized that fighting would do no good, so he calmly stretched out and made no movement. His lack of motion allowed him to float on the surface of the quicksand, and eventually, he eased himself to the edge of the pit.

Moral: Stop fighting... no... that's terrible. Ummm, how about "Never play near quicksand"?

More Weight Loss Songs for the Wee Little Children

2012-02-01T06:00:00.000-06:00

  Do You Have a Muffin Top?  
Oh, do you have a muffin top? 
A muffin top, a muffin top?
Do you have a muffin top,
That rests above your waist? 

Oh, yes I have a muffin top,
A muffin top, a muffin top.
Yes, I have a muffin top.
But it’s gonna get erased!

The Eensy Weensy Dieter  
The Eensy Weensy Dieter ate a dog with extra kraut.
Up went his weight, and made the dieter pout.
Went out for a run, and away went the gain,
And the Eensy Weensy Dieter  was happy once again.

  My Fannie Lies Over My Waistband
My fannie rides over my waistband, 
My fannie rides over my jeans.
My fannie rides over my waistband,
Oh please make my fannie more lean .
Slim down, slim down, Oh slim down my fannie for me, for me.
Slim down, slim down, O slim down my fannie for me.     

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Beer Belly Gone?
Oh where, oh where has my beer belly gone?
Oh where, oh where can it be? 
With my meals cut short and my workouts long. 
Oh where, oh where can it… oh, I see! It’s all about burning more calories than you consume. So simple!

  Whistle While You Work Out   
Just whistle while working out.
Da da dada da da (don’t pout)
And cheerfully together
Fat for muscle we'll replace.  
It’ll be less crappy if you stay happy
With a smile upon your face.

And as you sweat and shred 
Just try to imagine instead 
It’s only a scary nightmare 
And that you're back home in bed.

Sht Jack Sht Says

2012-01-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

Just some random lines pulled from random blog posts. YOU say I'm lazy, but I say I'm CRAZY EFFICIENT!

If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

For some reason, almost all overweight African-American women get upset when you call them “Precious”

It’s on like Genghis Khan playing ping pong versus Donkey Kong.

“Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

Spongebok Choypants!

How’d you like to come back to my place and sit on my feet while I do sit-ups?

“Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”

Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.

“This is a terrible Farmer's Market,” I told the lady. “It's a garage sale, dumbass,” she replied.

“If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you share with me the training regimen you used to attain it?”

“Don’t go to the zoo today… (flexing) because the pythons are out.”

I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.

When you “accuse”, you make an “acc” out of “u” and “se”. Remember that!

“I sure look good in these home movies,” I told my wife, Anita. “That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass,” she replied.

Tip for bloggers: bloggity blog blog blog (sorry, that's all I've got...)

Now Who's The Lazy One? I told you I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site and you haven't gone to see it yet? What? I didn't tell you. Oh, my bad. I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site which you can visit by clicking on this convenient link.

C’mon Get Healthy

2012-01-30T07:30:00.000-06:00

Hello, blog, here’s a post that I’m postin’,
C’mon get healthy.
A whole lotta veggies is what I’ll be roastin’
It’ll make you healthy. 

I had a dream we’d all get fit together.
We’d celebrate on Facebook then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens to cause me to stumble,
But I guess if I keep tryin’ I won’t get too far gone.
Tweetin’ along as we all keep on lightenin’
C’mon get healthy.
A whole lotta movin’ and a lil’ bit of dietin’,
It’ll make you healthy.
It’ll make you healthy.
It’ll make you happy.

FU, Scale!

2012-01-29T06:00:00.000-06:00

Weekly weigh-in: 251.5
Loss: +.1
 Total loss: -40.0
Emotion: Grrrrrr

Speaking of blowing stuff up...

Join me tonight at 8 p.m. EST/5 p.m. PST as I have some vague and unspecified role in a Tweet it Off online support group twitter-chat something-or-other. You'll find us under the hashtag #twitterdiet. It's the most fun you can have with your pants on (note: pants optional).

There’s No W.I.D.T.H.ering On This Vine

2012-01-28T06:00:00.000-06:00

I’ll be honest: as much as I really like my bloggity-blog’s W.I.D.T.H. feature, I figured that it might just have run its course.

If you’re new to these parts, W.I.D.T.H. stands for “Why I Do This Here” and it’s been this site’s most enduring feature. Folks send in photos that express the reason (or reasons) that they’re on this weight loss and/or healthy living roller coaster.

Anyway, I got invited to do some guest posting on Anytime Health’s site and was asked specifically to do a W.I.D.T.H. post.

I did it (check it out here), and suddenly my email inbox was filled with new pix, new ideas, new reasons for getting healthy.

What’s your motivation for doing this? Your family? Your future? Share it with me and the rest of the world (or at least that teensy-tiny part of the world that stops by this blog every so often). Be sure and include a blog link if you’d like a cheap way to get a little traffic to your site. Send it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com and let’s keep this W.I.D.T.H. train running a little longer.

Britt - "Why I workout.. For a climb like this!
Two and a half hours of stairs to see Machu Picchu in Peru!"

Curtis @ Race Fifty States

Emily- "This sweet face motivates me to get fit!

She is my fav workout buddy! We started running together!"

Greta @ Frumpy to Fabulous

Jennifer - "My kids are my main reason, but this picture keeps me going. I struggle with my weight everyday. Its always Up and down, but I don't ever want to be in a double pants size ever again."

Laura @ Diary of a Fat Girl

Laurie

Shiloh

Tiff

More Paula Deen Sightings

2012-01-27T06:00:00.001-06:00

Last week, professional butter-wrangler Paula Deen announced that she’s been suffering from type 2 diabetes for the past three years.

She acknowledged that a person has “to make changes in your life” but apparently, Deen isn't quite ready for a full-scale nutritional overhaul.

TMZ posted a photo of Deen cramming down a cheeseburger and fries this week while on a Caribbean cruise.

My prediction for future Deen sightings…

• Caught eating fried shrimp right out of an industrial-sized fry daddy in back of Red Lobster kitchen

• Stopped by airport security trying to smuggle gallon jug of boiled custard onto flight

• Discovered hot-boxing a Philly cheesesteak during commercial break of Today Show appearance

• Photographed by grocery store security camera drinking entire bottle of Thousand Island dressing

• Shows up dressed in Girl Scout uniform to pick up 200 boxes of Thin Mints

• Wins “who-can-eat-most-sticks-of-butter-in-10-minutes” bet against competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi

• College kid at Taco Bell takes cellphone movie of Paula’s 2 a.m. taco frenzy

• Reportedly slaps a waitress who brings her a side of fresh fruit instead of the bowl of mayonnaise she asked for

• Panicked 9-1-1 call ends up with authorities finding Deen’s unsconscious body in a hot tub filled with rotel dip

Stress Busters!

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-06:00

• When your boss is talking to you, imagine that it’s the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons: “Waaah waaaah wahhhh, wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhh.”

• When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Do something nice for someone, and by “someone” I mean me and by “something nice” I mean pay my daughter’s college tuition.

• Close your eyes, taking deep calming breaths and… WILL YOU QUIT HONKING AT ME… I’M TRYING TO REDUCE MY STRESS OVER HERE!!!!

• Remember that “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”… cheesecake to the rescue!

• Instead of worrying about all your problems, why don’t you try to make them all magically go away. I mean, have you tried making them all magically go away? Have you? HAVE YOU?

• Mondays are generally a high-stress day so consider just staying home in bed that day.

• Before going to bed, drink a cup of warm whiskey.

• Sex is a great stress reducer, but be careful that you don’t make a baby, which a great stress increaser.

I Think I Can

2012-01-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

There was once a not-so-tiny train that thought he weighed too much.

“11,000 tons?” he remarked in disgust at his previous weigh-in. “I’ve got to get back on track.”

So the next day, he chugged 1,000 miles without stopping.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

But later that week, the scale still said 11,000 tons.

“I don’t get it,” whined the train. “I’ve been working my caboose off with no results.”

The next week, he chugged 2,500 miles, including up a very steep mountain.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

Weigh-in: 11,000 tons.

“Is there nothing I can do to engineer a loss?” he asked desolately.

“Hello,” said a stranger who was wandering along the train tracks. “My name is Boxcar Jacky and I think I can help.”

“You think you can?” asked the train.

“I think I can,” repeated Boxcar Jacky. “Exercise alone isn’t always enough to lighten your load. Consider consuming fewer calories as well.”

“I’m a train, dumbass,” exclaimed the train.

“Oh yeah,” remarked Boxcar Jacky. “Well, how’s about we uncouple a few of your cars.”

They did, and the train came in at a svelte 10,500 tons at his next weigh-in.

“Lose weight?” smiled the train. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

“Great,” smiled Boxcar Jacky. “Now can I catch a ride down the line?”

“Are you kidding me?” laughed the train, taking off down the track. “I just lost 500 tons; you think I want to gain it right back?”

When Hairy Met Salad

2012-01-24T06:00:00.002-06:00

(Jack and Sally at a diner)

Sally: So you’re having a salad?

Jack: Sure, I love salad. Love it! I’m on a diet, y’know.

Sally: What kind of salad is that?

Jack: It’s the Bistro Caesar salad with glazed pecans.

Sally: That’s a bunch of croutons.

Jack: What can I say? I’m a cretin that loves croutons.

Sally: And what kind of dressing is that?

Jack: I couldn’t decide between French or Ranch, so I got both.

Sally: You know, I get kind of ticked off at people who eat big crazy salads and think they’re eating healthy. Did you know that T.G.I. Friday’s has a salad with 1,800 calories and Applebee’s has one with 93 grams of fat.

Jack: Why are you getting so upset? I’m eating a salad.

Sally: You are a human affront to all healthy people, and I am a healthy person.

Jack: Hey, I had them leave off the candy corn.

Sally: I just don’t know why you can’t eat a normal healthy salad.

Jack: Maybe because I like my salad better.

Sally: How do you know?

Jack: What do you mean how do I know? I know.

Sally: Because they’re better?

Jack: Yes, because they’re better.

Sally: And how do you know that it’s really better?

Jack: What are you saying, that your healthy salad is as tasty as my jacked-up one?

Sally: It’s possible.

Jack: Get outta here!

Sally: Why? I just want you to eat a real salad if you’re going to eat a salad.

Jack: Well, they aren’t as good to me.

Sally: How do you know?

Jack: Because I know.

Sally: Oh, right, that’s right, I forgot, you’re an idiot.

Jack: What’s that supposed to mean?

Sally: Nothing. It’s just that I think if you tried them, you’d like regular, healthy salads.

Jack: You don't think that I could tell the difference?

Sally: No.

Jack: Get outta here.

Sally: Ooo...Oh...Ooo...

Jack: Are you okay?

Sally: Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh this salad is so delicious
Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh...

Jack: Ummmm…. I'll have what she's having.

I Am An Italian Cruise Ship Captain

2012-01-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

Like Francesco Schettino, I was put in charge of a magnificent vessel and preceeded to run it into the ground.

The Italian cruise ship captain made more than a few mistakes in the disaster aboard the luxurious Costa Concordia, and I’ve made more than my share with attaining (and maintaining) a healthy weight for my body.

The ship was valued at nearly a half-billion dollars, not including the value of all the personal effects of the guests and the vault of cash in the ship’s casino. The value of my healthy future? Limitless.

I Tripped. The captain has reportedly said the reason he was in a lifeboat while thousands of panic-stricken passengers and crew were trying to evacuate was because he “tripped” and fell into the rescue craft. That’s kinda how I feel sometimes, like I’m doing what I think are all the right things but aren’t really all the right things at all when you step back and take a critical look at them.

Get Back in the Ship, Dammit! It has come to symbolize the entire disaster – the furious command barked by a Coast Guard official to the captain to get back on the ship and take command of the mass evacuation.

“Get back on board, for ----’s sake,” screamed the official– a phrase that has now gone viral among Italians on Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites. They’re even selling t-shirts.

It’s also what I’ve been telling myself lately: get back on board, for ----’s sake!

It’s time to get serious about this, once and for all.

I am the master of my destiny, the captain of my soul.

And I’m going down with the ship.

Mistakes Where Made

2012-01-22T06:00:00.000-06:00

Weekly weigh-in: 251.4 

Loss: +1.2
 Total loss: -40.1  
Emotion: Unbowed

Now let us speak no more of this miserable business…

Lord of the Twinks

2012-01-20T06:00:00.001-06:00

Chapter 99 – The Final Confrontation

“I am really tired of this sh*t,” sighed Jakko Jaggins to his trusted companion Spamwise. “I mean, I have carried this burden across numerous leagues.”

“I’ll carry for you, massster,” sneered his other horribly sicky-looking running buddy.

“For the final time, Glutton, shut it!” snapped Jakko. “Graindolf said we had to throw the One Twinkie into the fires of Mount Donut and that’s what we’re gonna do!”

“Desssssstroy it?” moaned Glutton pitifully.

“Yes, without the One Twinkie, the Dark Lord More-on won’t be able to lead Hostess out of bankruptcy and his dreams of causing worldwide obesity will be dashed.”

“There it is up ahead, Mister Jakko,” shouted Spamwise. “But the path is blocked.”

“I AM THE DARK LORD MORE-ON,” came a deep, commanding voice. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DONUT.”

“Moron?” smiled Jakko. “Did you hear that, Spamwise? He called himself ‘moron’…”

“NO, DUMBASS,” sneered More-on. “I AM THE DARK LORD THAT FORCES YOU TO PUT MORE WEIGHT ON!”

“You’re the moron that does what?” asked Jakko, shaking his head while Spamwise caught a giggling fit.

“THAT IS SOOOOO FUNNY,” declared the dark lord. “IT’S ABOUT AS FUNNY AS AN ORC TRYING TO WORK A SMARTPHONE.”

“I’m sorry, moron.”

“YOU DID IT AGAIN!”

“Did what, moron?”

“STOP CALLING ME MORON,” he commanded, pulling himself up to his full commanding height. “AND GIVE ME THE ONE TWINKIE.”

Jakko looked at him defiantly.

“I will never give you the one Twinkee,” said Jakko. “I am going to take it and… hey, where’d it go?”

“Mmmmmmm,” smiled Glutton, licking his lips. “My precioussssssss.”

- THE END -

Hints from Healthoise

2012-01-19T06:00:00.000-06:00

• Just because you paid $2,000 to install a frozen-yogurt dispenser in the dashboard of your car doesn’t mean you have to use it on every trip you make!

• If you’re a vampire, be careful that you don’t “drink” all your calories. Incorporate fresh fruits and veggies into your diet!

• You can make your own healthy Omega-3 fish oil by oiling a fish and then adding some Omega-3 to it.

• You don’t need a gym membership to get fit; simply dress up like an elliptical and stand perfectly still whenever a staff member glances in your direction.

• If you want to know how much better weighing less feels, just gain 50 lbs and see for yourself.

• Having regular bowel movements is important for good health; telling everyone you meet that you have regular bowel movements is not.

• Just before yogurt has passed its “expiration date” doesn’t mean that you can’t feed it to somebody else in your family.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is take a stick of gum when I offer it to you (cuz it’s probably some of my joke jalapeño gum).

• Weighing less is a sound financial move; XXX-large coffins are expensive!

Confession: I Think I Just Killed a Dude

2012-01-18T05:30:00.000-06:00

I’m serious, I really think I just killed a dude, but fortunately blog postings can’t be used in as evidence in a court of law (at least I’m pretty sure they can’t… ummmm, any lawyers in the house?).

Anyway, this past Sunday morning I showed up for the first game of the season in a 30+ basketball league. I’m matched up against a large African-American gentleman who, I’m guessing, is at least ten years younger than me.

I’m still heavier than I want to be, but I’ve been exercising like a maniac and playing bball at least three times a week for… well… forever it seems like. My point: I’m not afraid of this guy.

On the game’s first possession, this dude… I never caught his name, so let’s just call him Kobe… turns around in the lane and hits a jump shot over my outstretched hand.

“It’s gonna be a long day for you,” he snorted as we jogged back down the court.

“That’s okay,” I assured him. “I packed a lunch.”

A couple of minutes later, I got out on a fast break and scored before Kobe managed to cross half court.

“Where you at, big man?” I barked.

For me, trash talking is as essential a part of basketball as a toy submarine is to a bubble bath (don’t judge me!).

But as the game wore on, I noticed the big guy was sitting out large chunks at a time, and when he did play, he was even slower than before.

Because I’m a really good sport (when I win), I went over to shake hands with the dude, who was really having trouble catching his breath. This would have been bad anyway, but it had been 15 minutes or so since the game ended and he hadn’t even been playing at the end. Obviously something was wrong…

Suddenly there was a blur of activity. 9-1-1 was called and somebody brought out a portable oxygen unit. A day that had probably started with an “I’m gonna get back in shape” would end with a trip to the emergency room.

There are lots of reasons to get healthy, be healthy, stay healthy, but this was a vivid reminder.

I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard, hoss. Hope you recover and take a less steep path toward your healthy living goals.

Breaking News: I don’t ask you to do much… besides occasionally lend me money and do anything I ask whenever I ask… but I’d really appreciate it if you’d head over and check out my very first guest post for Anytime Health. And let ‘em know you want to see more Sh*t in the future!

More Breaking News: Turns out my basketball buddy shook loose some gall stones or something, which was exasperated by how out of shape he was. Phew… no heart attack! At least not yet, but we have a rematch coming up. C’mon, big man!

Healthy Help Wanted

2012-01-17T06:00:00.001-06:00

Job search site Glassdoor.com recently identified the top ten employment opportunities for staying fit, so it got me to thinking about a career switch. After all, if my job could carry some of my healthy-living load, I wouldn’t have to spend so much of my precious spare time at the gym. I did a quick pros/cons list of the careers on their list…

Personal Trainer

Benefit – Access to fitness equipment and surrounded by people working toward their healthy living goals.

Downside – Might get myself as client.

Landscaper

Benefit – Opportunity to spend great deal of time outdoors doing physical labor.

Downside – Have you seen my yard?

Retail Sales Associate

Benefit – Not stuck in a chair all day. Get chance to talk to people.

Downside – People I get chance to talk to probably ignorant, stupid and/or angry.

Firefighter

Benefit – Really get to help people, run through red lights and slide down pole. Plus, gives my chance to use my “getting dressed fast” skills.

Downside – Might have to fight a fire.

Nanny

Benefit – Nontraditional means to get in lots of exercise during day.

Downside – Parents may get mad if I lose one of their kids at park.

Tour Guide

Benefit – Lots and lots of walking.

Downside – Pretty sure I’d just make up “facts” about everything.

News Photographer

Benefit – Get to run around and be extremely active during workday.

Downside – I don’t have a camera.

Roofer

Benefit – Get chance to spend day outdoors doing strenuous labor.

Downside – Gravity.

Furniture Delivery Driver

Benefit – Lots of heavy lifting. Chance to get behind wheel of big truck and menace other drivers.

Downside – Makes my back hurt just to think about it.

Valet

Benefit – Serious sprinting. Decent tips.

Downside – Dammit! Where’d I park that dude’s Porsche?

That's a No-No, Says Mister Bobo

2012-01-16T06:27:00.000-06:00

Weight loss is tough. Sometimes you find that you need a little help when you've hit a hard patch of road. That's why I recently hit up one of my oldest childhood friends, Mister Bobo.

"Yo, Jack. I don't see why you're having such a tough time."

"Just eat less and exercise more, bitch!"

"Keep moving, home slice. Nothing to see here."

"I've got an idea: why don't you quit hanging out in the pantry and go rake some leaves or something?"

"Beer? Ummm, that's a no-no says Mister Bobo."

"TV or not TV? Ummm, not TV!"

"Instead of an evening snack, why don't you enjoy a heaping helping of nothing-at-all?"

Thanks, Mister Bobo. It's nice to know you've got my back.

Who Can Hit the Softest?

2012-01-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

Weekly weigh-in: 250.2
Loss: --
Total loss: -41.3 
Emotion: No change

I actually fell for this when I was in grade school.

A buddy challenged me to a “Who can hit the softest” contest.

I’m up first.

I brush his arm with the wispiest of touches.

In return, he knuckles up and punches my bicep with everything he has.

“You win,” he smiles and strikes off, looking for his next victim.

I was in the gym every day this week (and twice on Friday), but didn’t get it done on the food front.

I threw the lightest of blows, and the scale (as usual) didn’t pull any punches.

I really need to start hitting this harder.

I'm a Bad Tipper

2012-01-13T06:00:00.000-06:00

• One way to drink more water is to drink scotch-and-water and spit out the scotch.  

• Replace sugar with salt and salt with sugar.

• One way to train for a 26.2 mile marathon is to get really good at running .2 miles and then, when you’re comfortable, add in the 26-mile part.

• Remember, when you “sabotage” your diet plans, you’re making a “sab” out of “tag” and “e” (don’t stop and try to figure that out… just keep moving on!).

•   You can get into any Weight Watchers meeting by looking exactly like Jennifer Hudson.  

• Never eat black cat on a weigh-in day.

• Two things that make you look trimmer are wearing dark clothing and losing weight.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask yourself one question: "What the hell am I doing at this restaurant?"

•   Did you know that you can actually leave the banana skins on when you mix up a smoothie? Of course, you can't drink it then...  

• Instead of taking the stairs, take the elevator. Wait, you didn't let me finish… take the elevator while doing 1,000 lunges!

Life Is Good

2012-01-12T14:00:00.000-06:00

Life is good.

Well, life is pretty good.

I mean, it’s okay, I guess.

There’s a lot of things that thoroughly frost my shorts though, like people being mean to each other and the way my body seems to sometimes crave all the wrong kinds of foods and then makes me feel miserable.

Life is pretty crappy sometimes.

You turn around twice and you’re older than you want to be, less healthy than you want to be, maybe not exactly where you thought you’d be by this point.

C'mon Life! What are ya doin' to me?

I mean, sometimes you get so stressed out and so worked up that you think you’re gonna explode.

And then you come to a realization: I don’t have control of every aspect of my life, but I do have control the most important ones.

I may be older now but I like to think I’m wiser, too. I may be less healthy than I want to be but I’m healthier than I was yesterday. If I’m not exactly where I want to be right now, I AM on my way.

And life is pretty fantastic sometimes.

There are a lot of things that put a smile on my kisser, like people doing good things for each other and the way my body accepts that I’m trying to take it to a better place.

Life is good.

Working Out Sucks Winners!

2012-01-12T06:24:00.000-06:00

In my “Working Out Why Working Out Sucks Doesn’t Suck Giveaway,” I promised to give away three copies of Working Out Sucks! by Chuck Runyon, the CEO and Co-Founder of Anytime Fitness. Well, I always keep my promises (except when I promised to take my daughter to Disneyworld… it really wasn’t that much fun, Pisa; the lines were waaaaay too long!).

Anyway, I asked readers to give me their excuses for not working out, and of those entries, I chose these winners…

BeBeGetsWordy said...
1. It's slightly tepid outside and I need a perfect balmy weather to go running  
2. The treadmill went really hard last week with me, so I think IT needs rest
  3. I got home late (5:05pm as opposed to 5:00pm)
  4. I lost weight this week, I can take today and tomorrow off  
5. I need to spend some quality time with my couch. It misses me.  (I actually have used all of these. No joke)

Tigerlilly said...
My worst excuse ever is ... " I can't go workout, I have kids" ... when the truth is they are my reason for working out and losing weight. Plus, my gym has awesome child care that my kids love going to.

Calvin said...
JackSh*t, I always use the one tried and true method of avoiding working out. It's a twofold approach that helps me to a) deny responsibility and b) make myself self-important. I say, "I just don't have enough time to workout". And voila, it works. What is really a 2 hour meeting in the morning, becomes an all day affair that kept me from attending the gym at 10:00 pm. Although I slept in on Saturday and didn't wake up until 1:00 pm due to partying until 7:00 a.m. the night before becomes, "I was so exhausted from all the contacts I had to make the day before, I simply had nothing else left to give to myself". Yep, I become the martyr who's fitness is secondary to saving the world in which we live. In short--- I have more time than I think if I would actually be responsible about it.

Thanks to everyone who participated, and special thanks to my friends at Fitfluential and Anytime Health.

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah

2012-01-11T06:18:00.000-06:00

It happened on one of those Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah days
Now that’s the kind of day when you can't keep your eyes open 
Without a lil help from Zipfizz.  

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.
Somebody sent me free Zipfizz today! 
Plenty of caffeine headed my way! 
Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay

Mister Jack Sh*t’s got free Zipfizz!  
It came for me.
For me especially.
Everything was complimentary! 

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy whiz! 
Wonderful feeling. 
Got free Zipfizz! 
Yes Sir!  

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy fix! 
My oh my, healthy energy mix.  
Vitamins and minerals headed my way. 
Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy Yay!  

Got some Zipfizz for my cup now. 
In a tube shaped  
Like batteries. 
Plus, it’s only got 10 calories!  

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.
Wonderful Zipfizz! 
Mix with water, okay?

Got no sugar, so no let-down. 
Take a drink, 
Before exercisin’ 
Huh........who took my Zipfizz?
MMMmm MMMmm 
Boy, this stuff is energizin’! 

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay. 
Wonderful Zipfizz, 
Get some today!

More Signs That You Have a Bad Personal Trainer

2012-01-10T07:30:00.000-06:00

• Just wants you to do jumping jacks in the parking lot for an hour.

• Charges 99¢ a minute.

• Admits to being a Nazi war criminal.

• Stays on phone for entire session, in which you overhear several comments about “this fat loser that I’m working with right now.”

• Not sure what a “lunge” is.

• Insists that you wear thong and ass-less chaps during session.

• Keeps curling up under bench press bench and falling asleep.

• All instructions are in baby talk.

• Wears a shirt that reads “CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAITOR”

• Whips you across the back with belt while you’re doing rowing machine.

• Carries a water bottle filled with Jack Daniels.

• Hits you in the facew with pepper spray if you don’t finish a set.

• Keeps talking about some post his buddy Jack wrote on his dumbass blog.

Weightside Story

2012-01-09T06:01:00.000-06:00

JACKIA

I feel sh*tty.
 Pants don’t fit me.
 I feel sh*tty, fulla pity and fat, 
And I pity 
Anybody who feels like that.

 I feel heavy. 
Oh so heavy. 
Like a Chevy, so heavy I feel. 
And so sh*tty,
Like I ate way too much last meal.

See the sh*tty guy in that mirror there?
How did his pants get so tight?
Such a flabby ass.
Such a flabby gut.
Such a flabby neck.
Such a flabby me!

I feel rotten.
Misbegotten. 
Health forgotten,
And making me ill.
And I feel
My life heading straight downhill.   

GIRLS

Have you met my good friend Jack Sh*tty?
 The craziest dude in blogdom. 
You'll know from the minute you read him.
 He’ll inspire you to get out and jog some. 
He thinks he’s so funny. 
He thinks he’s a wit. 
He isn’t that funny. 
He don’t know Jack Sh*t.
But he tries really hard
To help and inspire.
He wants you to be healthy
And lose that spare tire. 
 So keep up with it
Stay more active
You don’t have to be the person you were.
Lazy and fat
Health on the decline.
Washing down Fritos
With glasses of wine.
Mister Sh*tty Man, Mr. Sh*tty man, post.
Mr. Sh*tty man, write one more post.

JACKIA

I feel sweaty.
 Oh so steady.
And I’m ready to finally break free.
So tough titty,
Nothing's ever gonna stop me!   

I feel hearty. 
Not so farty. 
I feel healthy and hearty and fine. 
And so happy. 
My future is finally mine.

See the muscley man in that mirror there. 
How did his muscles get so puffy? 
Such muscley lats.
 Such muscley glutes .
Such muscley guns.
 Such a muscley me!

JACKIA & GIRLS

I feel happy. 
Not so crappy.
 Feel like running and trying my best.
 For I’m healthy, 
On a healthy health-finding quest!

Suffering from “Cramnesia”

2012-01-08T06:35:00.002-06:00

Weekly weigh-in: 250.2
Loss: +.7
Total loss: -41.3 
Emotion: Don’t remember

Apparently, I have come down with a mysterious ailment.

It seems that whenever I cram food in my piehole, I somehow forget about the whole concept that there is some sort o relationship between calories consumed and weight loss.

This “cramnesia” strikes at inopportune times, derailing my best efforts at making progress on the scale. I can spend an hour pumping out sweat in the gym, then absent-mindedly overdo it on the eating front.

The most frustrating thing is not that my doctor won’t prescribe something for my “cramnesia” but refuses to acknowledge that it is even a medical condition. That’s the last time I search for a doctor on craigslist!

So anyway, if anyone has heard of a reliable treatment for “cramnesia”, please pass it along.

Working Out Why Working Out Sucks Doesn’t Suck (plus Giveaway)

2012-01-06T05:36:00.004-06:00

I’ll be honest: I was a little apprehensive as I started reading Working Out Sucks! by Chuck Runyon, the CEO and Co-Founder of Anytime Fitness. I figured that it would be a book-length brochure for his fitness center enterprise, and besides… I was already in the choir that he was preaching to.

I mean, didn’t I write posts like “Working Out Really Sucks,” “You Know What Sucks? Working Out!” and “Nothing Sucks Like Working Out Sucks”? No, I’m asking. Did I write those posts? I’ve written a lot of stuff and I can’t keep track of it all…

But as I got into the book, I noticed that there was something about the tone… a little bit snarky while still being smart, a little bit in-your-face confrontational while staying lively and conversational, that sparked my interest. Oh, there’re plenty of informative facts and figures (as well as a 21-day health and fitness, plus coupons for a free 30-Day Anytime Fitness club pass or a complimentary one-year Anytime Health online membership), but the whole thing comes off more like an intervention.

Chuck goes into vivid detail about all the roadblocks that we face on our path to a healthier life–lack of time, not enough money and the other usual suspects–then proceeds to drive a steamroller over each and every one of them in turn.

And it’s all true. All the excuses that trip us up aren’t nearly as daunting or intimidating as we like to make them out to be.

But where the book really drew me in were the personal accounts of real people and their watershed moments of how they changed their lives through a commitment to exercise and healthy living. These short, first-person accounts (accompanied by before-and-after pics) read like short blog posts and really drive home the message more that statistics and speechifying ever could.

Simple changes can make your life better. You can make a small investment in yourself and your future and see dividends almost immediately. Some days, working out DOES suck, but the only thing that feels worse that exercising is NOT exercising.

Note: If you need one more reason to pick up Working Out Sucks!, all profits from the book are going to Limbs for Life, a global nonprofit organization providing prosthetic care for individuals who can’t otherwise afford it.

Giveaways Don’t Suck! I know how you are about paying for things, so here’s your opportunity to get a free copy of Working Out Sucks!, compliments of Anytime Fitness.

Enter the following two ways:

• Mandatory Entry: Leave a comment on this post telling me what excuses you have used in the past to get out of working out.

• Optional Extra Entry: Tweet the following…

@JackSht may suck but Working Out Sucks doesn’t! http://bit.ly/xOLnkc #workingoutsucks

Giveaway ends this Sunday, January 8, at 10 PM CST. Good luck… and may God have mercy on your soul!

Fitfluential LLC compensated me for this sponsored post. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Fatanic

2012-01-05T06:00:00.005-06:00

INT. DINING SALOON

RUTH

Tell us of the food in steerage, Mr. Sh*t. I hear it’s quite good on this ship.

JACK

The best I've seen, m'am. Hardly any rats.

                                    CAL
Mr. Sh*t is joining us from seventh class. He was of some assistance to my fiancee last night.

                                   JACK
I just showed her the proper way to do pelvic thrusts.

                                   CAL
Anyway, This is foie gras, Jack. It's…

                                   JACK
Goose liver, I know. But did you know that foie gras is surprisingly low in bad fats and high in good fats?

                                GUGGENHEIM

                          (low to Madame Aubert)
What is Hockly hoping to prove, bringing this... blog-hemian... up here?

                                  WAITER
                                   (to Jack)
Would you care for some caviar, sir?

                                    JACK
That’s a tough one… caviar’s really high in cholesterol and sodium, but on the other hand, it’s a rich source of vitamins A and D, as well as omega-3 fatty acids which some researchers say can aid in deterring depression.


                                   RUTH
And where exactly do you live, Mr. Sh*t?

                                   JACK
Well, right now my address is the RMS Fatanic. After that, I'm thinking about stowing away on the Good Ship Lollipop.

                                   RUTH
You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?

                                   JACK
Well... I’m all about staying active, and seeing the world is a great way to do it. Plus, these big ships have really nice fitness facilities. I just hate that they serve 12 meals a day… and that midnight chocolate fountain dessert buffet is a killer! Literally and figuratively! But I’ve learned a hard lesson in this life: to make every calorie count.

                                   MOLLY
Well said, Jack.

                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Here, here.

                                   ROSE
To making every calorie count.

                                   RUTH
How is it you have the means to travel, Mr. Sh*t?

                                   JACK
I have a very popular health and dieting blog.

                                  GRACIE
How much does that make?

                                    JACK
A whole lot, unless you mean actual cash money.

                                   ROSE
Mr. Andrews, what are you doing? I see you everywhere writing in this little book.

                                   ANDREWS
Tracking calories. Our young friend Jack showed me how. See… one scoop of goose liver, 250 calories. It’s really quite informative.

                                   ISMAY
It’s gotten to be Thomas’ obsession. He even made me thin out the walls of the hull to make room for that silly lap pool he wanted installed.

                                  ANDREWS
I have to give Mr. Sh*t the credit for that idea.


                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Well, join me for a brandy, gentlemen?

                                   ROSE
Now they retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe.

                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Joining us, Sh*t? Or are you going to lecture us on how unhealthy brandy is?

                                   JACK
Actually, consuming 30 milliters of brandy per day reportedly has a similar antioxidant effect as a regular dose of vitamin C. But I’m going to get in a late-night workout. I might even do a little swimming once my supper settles…

                                   ROSE
Well, Jack. Thank you for sharing all that useful info on eating healthy and exercise. Is that what your blog is all about?

                                   JACK
No, that’s just the tip of the ice…

BLAAAAAM - CRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH

…what the Hell was that?

I'm Feeling a Little (Health) Tipsy

2012-01-04T08:21:00.000-06:00

• An easy way to remember to take a daily vitamin is to put 30 of them in your mouth at beginning of month and then just swallow one per day.

• Trade your power mower for a push version. If you already use a push mower, trade it in for a push mower that doesn’t have wheels.

• Instead of a glass of orange juice, which may be may be heat processed, watered down, sugared up and stored for a year, why not just drink an orange?

• One way to eat less pork is to raise a baby pig, letting it become your very best friend, and then take him on a field trip to a slaughterhouse.

• You can make good-for-you “Fruit Loops” by looping fresh fruit.

• In order to save calories, instead of 12 ounces of your favorite dish, try eating 11 ounces.

• Did you know that cheese dip isn’t really that unhealthy for your diet, according to a study published in Mexican Restaurant magazine?

• Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

• Adopt the motto “after 8 is too late” for snacks after dinner, as well as the mottos “replace your Skittles with healthy vittles” and “losing weight won’t be so exhausting if you don’t eat that can of frosting.”

Famous Last Words

2012-01-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

• “Maybe I’ll just look at the dessert menu…”

• “A week off from exercise will probably be good for me.”

• “Well, I AM on vacation…”

• “Since we’re working late, let’s just order in a pizza…”

• “Well, I hate for it to go to waste…”

• “I can’t really justify that gym membership anymore…”

• “Hey, who brought donuts?”

• “Maybe I’ll just get a small popcorn at the movies…”

• “I’ll just start a new diet on Monday…”

• “Just a little piece… well, maybe not that little… just a bit more…”

• “Maybe I’ll just watch one episode of Mad Men on Netflix on Demand…”

• “A coupon for the all-you-can-eat buffet, you say?”

• “Why not?”

Bam Ba Lam

2012-01-02T10:45:00.000-06:00

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)  
Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)   
Jack Sh*tty had a prob (Jog-n-Blog)  
Turned into a blob (Jog-n-Blog)  
Said he could change any time (Jog-n-Blog)  
But appears he was lyin’ (Jog-n-Blog)  

I said, Oh, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)  
Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)   

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)  
Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)
He got his life in gear (Jog-n-Blog)
Started laying off the beer (Jog-n-Blog) 
He’s improved immensely (Jog-n-Blog)  
Now he lives less densely (Jog-n-Blog)  
Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)  
Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)   

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)  
Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)  
He’s bloggin’ all the time (Jog-n-Blog)  
Don’t ever earn a dime (Jog-n-Blog)  
He may never get rich (Jog-n-Blog)  
But he’s a healthy sumb*tch. (Jog-n-Blog)
Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)
Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)

January First Things First

2012-01-01T11:40:00.002-06:00

Resolutions That Probably Shouldn’t Be On Your List

2011-12-30T06:30:00.003-06:00

• Quit smoking and chewing tobacco at the same time

• Make sure you drink at least one Slurpee per day

• Read more… or at least watch more movies based on books… or at least watch more TV shows based on movies based on books… or at least just watch more TV.

• Exercise at least one minute per week

• Quit drinking coffee after 10 p.m.

• Floss semi-annually

• Take up something new, like salsa-dancing or salsa-eating

• Cut internet time down to 26 hours a day

• Spend more time with friends, family and/or strippers

• Work at reducing debt by purchasing one lottery ticket per day

• Organize office by setting desk on fire

• Each week, spend at least 12 hours improving Angry Birdage skills

Don’t Read This!

2011-12-29T06:06:00.000-06:00

I’m serious!

This is personal, something just for myself.

I know, it would probably make more sense to simply keep this as a regular document on my computer, but I’ve already started a blog post and I like to finish things that I start (except for that ship-in-a-bottle project that I started in 1989; damn my giant hands!).

Instead, I’ll run you all off by explaining, in excruciating detail, the rules of cricket.

According to Wikipedia, Cricket is a bat-and-ball game played between two teams of 11 players on an oval-shaped field, at the centre of which is a rectangular 22-yard long pitch. One team bats, trying to score as many runs as possible while the other team bowls and fields, trying to dismiss the batsmen and thus limit the runs scored by the batting team. A run is scored by the striking batsman hitting the ball with his bat, running to the opposite end of the pitch and touching the crease there without being dismissed. The teams switch between batting and fielding at the end of an innings. In professional cricket the length of a game ranges from 20 overs of six bowling deliveries per side to Test cricket played over five days. The Laws of Cricket are maintained by the International Cricket Council (ICC) and the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) with additional Standard Playing Conditions for Test matches and One Day Internationals. Cricket was first played in southern England in the 16th century. By the end of the 18th century, it had developed into the national sport of England. The expansion of the British Empire led to cricket being played overseas and by the mid-19th century the first international matches were being held. The ICC, the game's governing body, has ten full members. The game is played particularly in Australasia, the Indian subcontinent, the West Indies, Southern Africa and England.

Okay, that should have gotten rid of everyone off by now.

Now Jack… Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack…

Think about how good you feel right now, right this very second. You’ve been eating well and exercising regularly for the last week or so.

AND YOU FEEL SO FREAKIN’ GOOD.

You fell off the wagon and you were draggin’ the entire time. You had no energy. Your get-up-and-go just got up and went. The connection was obvious, but you couldn’t put two and two together.

So here’s your reminder, dumbass: Good health and weight loss is a giant boulder that, once it starts rolling, can bust through virtually any obstacle.

But when it comes to a stop, it can be next-to-impossible to get moving again.

So do yourself a favor…

Get it rolling.

Keep it rolling.

And keep it rolling some more.

I'm Bad

2011-12-28T05:43:00.005-06:00

My tummy rollin’ o’er my belt in some too-tight slacks,
I’m weighin’ way too much, it’s time to face the facts.
I was goin’ nowhere in the middle of my life.
Time to pick up my pride, and put down the fork and knife.
Time to quit eatin’ ice cream after dinner every night.
Get busy exercisin’ and straighten out my diet.

Oh, I'm fat… I'm way too wide. 
Yes, I'm fat… I'm way too wide.  

Turns out I feel much better when I sweat a little sweat,
When I eat fresh veggies ‘stead of freshly baked baguette.
When I eat fresh fruit, ‘stead of processed crap
Makes me feel much better, makes Jack a healthy chap.

I was fat… was way too wide. 
Yeah was fat… way. way too wide.  

Well, I was movin' down the road in my runnin’ shoes,
Thinkin’ to myself, “Hey, what have I got to lose?”
With my brand new muscles and my newfound will,
Nothing feels as good as feeling healthy feels. 

I’m not fat… not way too wide. 
I’m not fat, fat, fat, fat, fat… I’ve hit my stride.

The Health and Fitness Year in Review

2011-12-26T06:47:00.002-06:00

January
With outbreaks of Listeria from deli meats, hot dogs, unpasteurized dairy, raw fruits and veggies, paralytic shellfish poisoning, Vibrio Vulnificus from raw oysters, Botulism from canned foods, E. coli from fresh produce, raw juice, milk and ground beef, Salmonella from raw meat, processed foods, fresh produce, poultry and eggs, Campylobacter from undercooked poultry, Hepatitis A from improper food handling, Ciguatera Poisoning from fish, Scombrotoxin from fresh tuna, C. Perfringens from meat, stew and gravy, Staph from sandwiches, salads and pastries, everyone agrees to quit eating everything.

February
The FDA urges the corn industry to stop using the term “corn sugar” in an effort to differentiate the effects of high fructose corn syrup from sugar. The corn industry agrees to change the name to “corncaine.”

March
Scientists declare that Vitamin E does nothing to help skin, mental health or weight management despite earlier claims to the contrary. Later in the day, scientists declare that Vitamin D is a super-supplement reported to help skin, mental health and weight management.

April
Folks around the world embrace The Paleo Diet, a program heavy on meat and vegetables and free of grains, in conjunction with a focus on lifting heavy rocks and sprinting away from sabre-toothed tigers.

May
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s initiative to ban people from using food stamps to purchase soda is struck down by the USDA. This development doesn’t bode well for the mayor’s other health initiatives, which include forcing kids to eat oatmeal every morning, outlawing chocolate-covered raisins, making all cabbies stop at least once per hour to do 200 sit-ups and giving vegetables the right to vote.

June
According to an American Cancer Society study, men and women who sit for more than six hours a day are as good as dead.

July
President Bill Clinton celebrates his heart healthy vegan diet with a double bacon cheeseburger with extra cheese and a side of bacon.

August
Race-day spectators watch in awe as Amber Miller crosses the finish line at the Chicago Marathon and proceeds to go into labor. They are even more impressed when–hours later–she gave birth to a healthy baby who immediately runs a 5K around the hospital grounds.

September
Talk show host Dr. Mehmet Oz creates a stir when his study finds that apple juice contains potentially dangerous levels of inorganic arsenic. He pressures the apple juice industry to make a change and start using organic arsenic in their products.

October
Dancing With the Stars invites Chaz Bono to be a contestant in its celebrity dance contest, which raises awareness for overweight transsexuals.

November
Earlier in the year, the USDA proposes changes to the nation’s school lunch program for the first time in 15 years. This month, Congress blocks those changes, not only declaring tomato paste on pizza a vegetable, but also proclaiming Jell-O and tater tots to be superfoods.

December
Researchers warn of potential injuries caused by those popular barefoot running shoes, which contain little if any padding and lack the support and cushioning many runners need. Also, say scientists, they look kinda dorky.

Merry C From Jack S

2011-12-24T15:24:00.000-06:00

Nog Nog

2011-12-23T06:20:00.015-06:00

Nog Nog.
Who’s there?
Claudette.
Claudette who?
Claudette all the fruitcake!

Nog Nog.  
Who’s there?
Julie.
Julie who?
Ju leave any cookies for Santa?

Nog nog.
Who’s there?
Eisenhower.
Eisenhower who?
Eisenhower late for the Christmas party.

Nog nog .
Who's there? 
Botany.
 Botany who?
 Botany of those special flavored coffees at Starbucks yet? They’re yummy!

  Nog nog. 
Who's there? 
Justice.
 Justice who? 
Justice once I’m going to eat some fruitcake, okay?  

Nog nog. 
Who's there? 
Baby owl. 
Baby owl who? 
Baby owl try to exercise some during the holidays.  

Nog nog. 
Who's there? 
Norma Lee. 
Norma Lee who? 
Norma Lee I say I'm gonna exercise some during the holidays but don't.  

Nog nog. 
Who's there? 
Ice cream soda.   
Ice cream soda who?   
I SCREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME WISH ‘EM HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  

Nog nog.
Who’s there?
Chicken.
Chicken who?
Chicken your stocking and see what you got.

Nog nog.
Who’s there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree!

Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke under the tree at all those presents!

Nog nog. 
Who's there?  
Augusta .
Augusta who? 
Augusta get back on my diet soon.

Bad, Badder, Worstest... The Holiday Edition

2011-12-22T05:35:00.002-06:00

Bad: You overindulged at the office Christmas party.
Badder: You woke up splayed out in the fountain at the mall.
Worstest: You’re hooked up to a vodka IV right now.

Bad: You ate all the candy out of your kids’ stocking.
Badder: You ate all the candy out of your kids’ stockings… and blamed the dog.
Worstest: You ate all the candy out of your kids’ stockings… and blamed Santa.

Bad: You’ve drunk your weight in eggnog.
Badder: You’ve thrown out all other food in your fridge so that you can keep more eggnog on hand.
Worstest: CNN does story about worldwide eggnog shortage and your name comes up repeatedly.

Bad: Pants are entirely too tight.
Badder: You’ve had to cut the necks out of all your turtleneck sweaters.
Worstest: You can’t find a shawl that fits.

Bad: You realize you haven’t done any meaningful exercise in December.
Badder: You realize you haven’t done any meaningful exercise in 2011.
Worstest: You realize that you have same muscular definition as newborn baby.

Bad: You ate 25 deviled eggs at a holiday party.
Badder: Hostess comes up to talk to you just as you’re jamming entire cheese ball in your mouth.
Worstest: You’re first to arrive at holiday party and food is all gone before second guest arrives.

Bad: You’ve succumbed to a peppermint bark addiction.
Badder: While in line at Starbucks to get Peppermint Mocha Latte, you’re plotting route on your phone to the next closest Starbucks to get another Peppermint Mocha Latte.
Worstest: Doc informs you that your blood type is “O positively peppermint”.

Bad: You’ve decided to put off your healthy living quest until the new year.
Badder: Gym is so busy in January that you’ve decided to wait until it clears out some.
Worstest: Decided that 2012 can just go to hell.

You're Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Fatass

2011-12-21T06:03:00.006-06:00

You’re beginning to look a lot like a fatass.
Ev’rything you eat
Is fried in bacon grease, portions tend to increase. 
How long has it been since you could see your feet?

You’re beginning to look a lot like a fatass.
Snackin’ at ev’ry turn,
But the craziest thing you do is eat until you spew. 
Won’t you ever learn?    

One day you looked in the mirror and saw things much clearer.
A change just had to be made.
Now you’re eating much better and are now a sweat sweater .
It’s a healthy living crusade.
Now you can hardly wait to get your chunky bottom weighed.

You’re beginning to look a lot less like a fatass. 
Ev’ryday you go,
To the gym and do some lunges and eat some healthy lunches.
It’s amazing how you’ve done it, don’t you know.

You no longer look so much like a fatass.
Your pants aren’t way too tight.
You’ve gotten much, much thinner since you don’t eat two suppers for dinner,
And stuck to your diet.
You no longer look at all like a fatass. 
You’re finally on your way.
And the thing that makes you smile, makes the whole ordeal worthwhile: 
Each day’s a brand new day.
It’s a new one, starting today.

A Few More Holiday Health Tips

2011-12-20T06:33:00.003-06:00

• When you're at a holiday party, one way to keep from overindulging in to lock yourself in the bathroom and play Angry Birds on your phone for three hours.

• Instead of eggnog, how about egg substitute-nog?

• You can make healthy "candy canes" by twirling lines of mushed beet paste around stalks of celery.

• If you're at a zombie holiday party, and you see a gelatinous mold in the shape of a brain, don't just assume it's Jell-O.

• Don't fill your coat pocket with ranch dressing even if it makes for more convenient dipping.

• You can burn a load of calories by going to the mall on Christmas Eve and doing all your holiday shopping.

• Print out my blog and carry it around with you at all times in case you find yourself requiring an inspirational lift.

More Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

2011-12-19T07:16:00.000-06:00

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You'll realize you have a problem when you hear "Why did you eat that gingerbread house? It was just for decoration!" for the third time this holiday season.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You go for a walk wearing a white track suit and kids start screaming "Ayyyyyy! A snowman came to life!"

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)

Good news: you'll manage to keep all of your upcoming New Year's resolutions. Bad news: only resolutions are not to eat any prunes and not to wear any clothes made out of seal-skin.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
You've got some explaining to do to your kids on Christmas morning when your kids find letter from Santa that reads "Who ate my damn cookies?"

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Expect not to get invited to any more holiday parties after what is hereafter referred to as "The Deviled Egg Incident".

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You'll experience a major bummer when your hyration-pack-full-of-eggnog experiment fails spectacularly.

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Realize New year diet is off to a bad start when you read in the paper that Dunkin Donuts is planning to open new location in your living room.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
After using it for three months, you realize that the app you downloaded to track your calories counts a king-sized box of Milk Duds as 10 calories.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You realize you've hired the wrong personal trainer when he refuses to wear any pants during session.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Your vow to quit drinking diet cola faces a tough obstacle when you have a sudden realization: you really like diet soda!

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'd better come up with a better excuse than "I thought it was a cookie-eating contest!" or else everyone at the cookie exchange is gonna be furious with you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You will meet a handsome stranger at the train station. Did I say "handsome"? I meant "overweight". Did I say "at the train station"? I meant "in the mirror". Oh, SNAP!

Why I Blog the Way I Blog

2011-12-18T05:09:00.003-06:00

Weekly weigh-in: 249.5
Loss: -6.5
Total loss: -42
Emotion: Jacked up

I don’t blog like most weight loss warriers, sharing my menus and workout routines. Oh, I have menus and workout routines. Don’t believe I don’t have them! I HAVE THEM!

I just find them incredibly… boring.

When I’m rolling along, I’ll go weeks at a time eating the same breakfasts and lunches, maybe changing my exercise routines up slightly but maybe not at all. It is the opposite of fascinating.

But here’s the thing: I’m in for the long haul, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

So… for me, blogging is about staying engaged in what I’m doing.

If I write a post about silly weigh-in tricks (never eat any black cat on your weigh-in day, jump on when the scale’s not looking, skip your pre-weigh-in snack), it’s not because I think weighing in is silly; it’s because if I’m weighing in on anything weight- or health-related, my mind’s in the game.

So, I’m back getting after it. I’m eating a little less, eating a little better, exercising every day. I’m blogging the silliness out of my system and taking a no-nonsense approach to my health.

That’s what works for me.

What works for you?

Holiday Health Tips

2011-12-16T06:12:00.002-06:00

• Instead of a cup of eggnog, how's about a cup of eggnot?

•   When you make holiday cookies, throw a couple of stink bugs in the batter. They won't be so tempting if you're scared you'll get a stinkbug cookie.  

• To curb cravings, gnaw on a pine cone.  

• To get it out of your system, go to Starbucks and order a venti Gingerbread Peppermint Mocha cinnamon eggnog latte. Whoa... That's actually pretty good!

•   Limiting yourself to one piece of gingerbread doesn't make it okay to eat an entire gingerbread house.  

• FDA does not - I repeat does NOT - recommend that you get four to six servings of fruitcake each day.  

•     Speed carol.  

• At holiday parties, ask hostess to please hide all delicious food out of your sight.  

• Holiday stress often leads to overeating, so consider slipping into a coma for the month of December.  

• On January 1, lots of folks are going to be joining gyms and clogging up the works before they quit after 2 or 3 weeks, so my advice to you is to go ahead and join a gym now so you it won't be so crowded for the 2 or 3 weeks you use it before you quit.

•     Jingle all the way (or at least as much of the way as you are able).

How The Binge Stole Fit-mass

2011-12-14T05:03:00.015-06:00

Every Sh*t  
Down in Sh*tville 
Liked fitness a lot...
But the Binge, 
Who lived just North of Sh*t-ville,
 Did NOT!

The Binge hated fitness! Hated it worse than Gigli.
 He just wanted folks to relax and eat pigily.

 It could be that he just never learned to eat right, 
Or that he sat on the couch and watched TV all night. 
But I think that the most likely reason of all, 
May have been that his pants were two sizes too small.

But, 
Whatever the reason, 
TV or tight pants, 
There he was every Fit-Mas, his same hateful stance.
 Staring down at the Sh*ts with a sour, Binge-y grimace, 
At the active people working to unthicken their thickness. 
For he knew every Sh*t down in the area down yon, 
Was busy now getting their exercise on.

“And they’re doing their lunges!” he snarled with a sneer. 
And watched all the lunging while swilling a beer. 
Then he growled, with ranch dressing all over his chin, 
“I MUST find a way to stop Fit-Mas, my friend.” 

For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Sh*ts on the streets. 
Would wake up bright and early. They’d down healthy eats! 
And then! Oh, the tweets! Oh, the tweets! Tweets! Tweets! Tweets! 
That’s one thing he hated! The TWEETS! TWEETS! TWEETS! TWEETS!

Then the Sh*ts, young and old, would head out for a jog. 
And they’d blog! And they’d blog!
 And they’d BLOG! BLOG! BLOG! BLOG!
They would blog with their run-times, and how they were feeling, 
Which sent the Binge’s blood pressure up to the ceiling.

And THEN 
They’d do something he liked least of all!
 Every Sh*t down in Sh*t-ville, the big and the small, 
Would all get together, no matter how fat. 
They’d log onto their computers and they would all chat.
They’d yak! And they’d chat! 
AND they’d CHAT! CHAT! CHAT! CHAT! 
And the more the Binge thought of this healthy life chat, 
The more the Binge thought, “I must stop this crap, stat!”

 “Why for many a year I've put up with this brutal sh*t. 
How to stop Fit-Mas from coming? 
I’ll just Google it!”

There he got an idea! 
An awful idea!
 THE BINGE 
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"”I know just what to do!” he said grabbing some bacon. 
And he put on a fancy chef hat and an apron. 
And he chuckled, and clucked, got his skillet well greased .
“No Sh*t can resist a big Binge-y feast!” 

“All I need is some hash browns...” 
The Binge checked for taters. 
And fried them up nice with some peppery flavors.   
Was that enough for the old Binge...? 
No! The Bingle simply smiled, 
“No one can resist homemade biscuits, child.”
So he whomped up some biscuits, then got some eggs fryin’. 
No one could resist the food he’d be supplyin’. 

THEN 
He piled on his dishes, 
Loading bowl after bowl. 
He wanted to tempt 
Every last Sh*tville soul.

Then the Binge said, “Let’s roll!” 
With his sleigh full of yummies. 
And he headed to on down
To feed food to the dummies. 

The Binge entered town, a big clumsy drunk dude. 
With a mind fulla malice and a bag fulla junk food.  
When he came to the first house there in the town. 
“This is stop one,” The Bingey Chef said with a frown. 
And he threw his beer can down on the ground.

Then he entered the house, and in a move most unethical, 
Went to the pantry and stole every vegetable. 
Potatoes! And bok choy! Radishes! Kale! 
Carrot sticks! Watercress! Turnips, as well!
“Let’s get rid of this stuff,” he said with a slow drawl. 
And stuffed the whole mess down the disposal. 

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Sh*t’s fruit!
 The apples. Oranges. The gnarled ginger root. 
He cleaned out that icebox being oh-so stealthy 
And replaced all the foods with stuff most unhealthy!

He dropped off some Pop-Tarts. 
He left marshmallow fluff.
 Pre-packaged lunchmeat. 
And other bad stuff.

And the one healthy speck  
That the Binge left for grazin’ 
Was a piece of a part of an old cruddy raisin. 

Then
 The Binge went and
 He did the same switchin’s 
Leaving crap 
Way unhealthy 
In other Sh*t’s kitchens.

It was quarter past dawn, 
The very start of the day 
With the Sh*ts still asleep, 
When he set up his buffet.
Loaded it up with omelets!  
And sausage! And cornflakes! 
And gravy! And waffles!
 And cream cheese! And corncakes!

He loaded the tables with dishes overflowing, 
And smiled as he thought of waistlines a’growing.
“Pooh-pooh to the Sh*ts” he was binge-ish-ly grinning. 
This banquet I’m throwing is just the beginning. 
By lunchtime, they’ll be full up to their chin, 
And then I’ll serve up more goodies again. 
Then all the Sh*ts down in Sh*t-ville will all DIVE RIGHT IN!”

“That's a sight,” grinned the Binge, "
That must be observed.” 
So he paused, the Binge there by the food that he served.

But something was goin’ on that was kinda confusing. 
The Sh*ts weren’t hurrying over after their snoozing. 
Why, they paid no attention. 
There was no rush to the feast! 
He’d provided every temptation, 
And they couldn’t care in the least.

He’d offered up calories there by the bazillions, 
And couldn’t entice these hardcore Sh*t-villians! 
The Binge popped his eyes! 
Then he shook! 
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Sh*t down in Sh*t-ville, the fat and petite, 
Were limbering up for a jog down the street. 
He HADN'T stopped Fit-Mas from coming! 
IT’S HERE!
 The Binge stood there frowning and sipping his beer.

He watched them run by, his apron still splattered with grease. 
“They didn’t want my crumbcake, not even a piece! 
They passed up my hash browns! Said no to French toast.  
Didn’t want my eggs benedict served on pot roast!”   

And he puzzled three hours, `till his feast had gone cold. 
‘Til in the Binge’s head, a thought finally took hold. 
Then the Binge had a idea, 
"Maybe Fit-Mas," he said. "Doesn't come from a meal. 
Maybe Fit-Mas... perhaps... is a much bigger deal!”

And what happened then...? 
Well, some like to admit, 
That the Binge’s tight pants 
Made him want to get fit. 
And the minute he started on down the right road, 
He felt a tremendous lightening of his own heavy load.
 
So he threw out the food!
All that unhealthy schlock! 
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...! 
The Binge jogged ‘round the block!

It's On!

2011-12-13T05:27:00.001-06:00

It’s on.

It’s on like white on rice.

It’s on like brown on... ummmm... brown rice.   

It’s on like LeBron eatin’ a prawn with Grey Poupon on.

It’s on like James Caan readin’ The Gospel according to John. 

It’s on like Vince Vaughn doing a remake of the movie Tron.

It’s on like Little John twirling a baton in The Gulf of Oman. 

It’s on like Don Juan and that chick wearing the chiffon from The Black Swan.

It’s on like Genghis Khan playing ping pong versus Donkey Kong.

I’m telling you, it’s on.

The Long Slide

2011-12-12T06:09:00.010-06:00

Man, this is a tough post to write…

I wish I could say that was because someone had reprogrammed my computer keyboard so that all the letters were in different places…

Speaking of which, did you know that there’s an alternative keyboard layout to the traditional “QWERTY” one? It’s called “Dvorak” (named after educational psychologist and professor of education August Dvorak).

Apparently, the QWERTY keyboard was designed in the 1870’s to actually slow down typists due to mechanical limitations of early typewriters. By contrast, the Dvorak keyboard was designed with emphasis on comfort, high productivity and ease of learning.

As you can see, the Dvorak keyboard has the most-used consonants on the right side of the home row, and the vowels on the left side of the home row. It’s set up to facilitate keying in a back-and-forth motion -- (right hand, then left hand, then right, etc.) which makes typing quicker, easier and safer (you’re less likely to suffer carpal tunnel syndrome and other repetitive motion injuries).
But I’m getting off track…

And getting off track is exactly what I seem to have been doing the last few months.

It started when my wife Anita informed me that our scale … my precious scale… was 10+ pounds off. Ten pounds off? You mean, it’s saying you’re ten pounds heavier than you really are?

Of course not…

I accepted the new number, but didn’t recognize it on my blog. I’ll knock that ten pounds off before I officially weigh in again, I told myself (which is the kind of thinking that usually gets a person in trouble).

So there I was, oh-so busy and traveling all over creation during October, then busy and… ummmm… slacking off in November. And December started kind of the same as I was blogging about Italy instead of focused on making some headway on my health and weight loss goals.

But here’s the deal: it wasn’t an off-kilter scale’s fault, wasn’t the vacation or the holiday’s fault, wasn’t even those evil Italian gelato vendors’ fault.

It was just a breakdown on the accountability front.

I may not be able to fix all my weight-related issues in the blink of an eye, but I can damn well be more accountable easily enough.

I usually wait until the weekend to weigh in, but somebody told me that there’s no time like the present…

So…

Weekly weigh-in: 256.00
Loss: Are you kidding me?
Total loss: -35.5
Emotion: Ready, Willing and (Hopefully) Able

Here’s to doubling-down on the commitment front, to recognizing problems then taking steps to correct them… and to fresh starts.

Worst. Flight. Ever.

2011-12-11T05:33:00.005-06:00

I was still a trifle exasperated trying to get the iPhone that I dropped on my flight from Florence to Paris back, so I wasn’t paying attention when my wife Anita was trying to relay some more bad news to me as we boarded the loooooooooong flight back home…

“I think they screwed our seats up.”

We had ponied up the extra dough for premium seats with extra legroom, like we had gotten on the overseas flight over. However, there was a mix-up somewhere along the way and our reserved seats had gone bye-bye.

I was trying to get some dumb old lady out of my aisle seat when the stewardess looked at my boarding pass and directed Anita and I to the middle two in a four-seat row.

Are you kidding me? At 6’4”, flying is never exactly comfortable for me, but this is looking like a death sentence.

At least each seat has its own built-in portable movie player, only the one on my seat doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t…

And as soon as we’re off the ground, the person in the row in front of me decides she’s going to lay her seat back horizontally so she can get comfortable.

It’s okay… we only have ten hours of flying time ahead of us.

I break out my notebook and start writing a bunch of posts about my trip to Italy.

Thus concludes the adventures of Jack Sh*tily, Goin’ to Italy. Regular Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit programming will continue tomorrow.

Misc Italy Pix

2011-12-10T05:56:00.002-06:00

Goodbye, Italy. Goodbye, iPhone.

2011-12-09T05:43:00.001-06:00

Here’s my problem: when a plane I’m traveling on lands, I’m ready to get off RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.

My wife Anita said that on our next trip, I have to sit perfectly still until everyone else has left the plane, then slowly and casually get up from my seat, check that I have everything I started with and make certain I have the right bag.

Had we been following that protocol, I wouldn’t have jumped up out of my seat and had my iPhone fall out of my lap without me noticing it.

We were in Paris, and were on a long shuttle between gates when I realized that it was missing. Grrrrr…

I found an Air France representative who – miracle of miracles – was friendly and spoke some English. She made some calls and managed to get someone to board the plane and look under my seat, where they found my phone. My lucky day, right?

Nope, because she can’t get anyone to bring it over, even though I’m offering all of my remaining euros to anyone who’ll exhibit the tiniest amount of customer service.

The lady at the Air France desk is confident that my phone will be returned to me in short order and gives me an email address to write to in order to arrange delivery of the phone, which is going over to Bag Services. I make her repeat the email address three times, and then look over it to see if it’s correct.

I realize this isn’t going to end well when I send an email an hour or so later, while sitting on my flight back home, and get a bounce-back message telling me that it’s an invalid email address.

I spent the next two weeks explaining, begging, screaming, arguing and berating Air France employees. The bad news: my phone mysteriously disappeared again.

The good news: I learned to say “You suck!” in French (“Vous sucez!”).

Our Last Italian Restaurant Adventure

2011-12-08T06:11:00.001-06:00

After a restful week in Cortona, Italy (with a few side trips to some surrounding towns), my wife Anita and I packed our belongings and headed back to Florence.

We spent a few hours buying last-minute gifts for our daughters and friends, and then started looking for a suitable place for dinner.The pressure was on because this would be our LAST DINNER IN ITALY.

I scoured the internet, reading reviews, checking out menus, considering recommendations. In the end, we just wound up (as was so often the case) just wandering around, but kept poo-pooing dining establishments for one reason or another.

“Too touristy.”

“Too expensive.”

“Too much fish on the menu.”

“Not enough fish on the menu.”

“Too not open.”

We were about to pull the trigger on another fairly well-reviewed spot that we weren’t exactly excited about when we turned the corner and happened upon a little dive that the couple entering was absolutely raving about, proclaiming it was one of the favorites of the Florence locals.

Even though it was kinda early, the place was jam-packed, and we got one of the last available tables. We overheard the group at the table next to us going on and on about this place, saying how great (and cheap) the food was.

We ordered, feeling confident that we’d lucked into a good choice and a fitting end to our Italian getaway. Then the food arrived and it was… really, really unremarkable. Not terrible, but nothing to write home about. Yes, it was cheap – the cheapest meal we had on our trip – but I can remember nothing about it other than it was cheap. Oh well…

Sometimes you win, sometimes you whine.

Postcards from Sienna

2011-12-07T06:27:00.002-06:00

Another Crazy Italian Dining Experience

2011-12-06T06:17:00.003-06:00

For the next couple of days, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

Our first dining experience in Cortona, Italy, turned out to be a lovely, up-scale restaurant that was just a slight bit unnerving because we were the only diners there. However, the food was fantastic, the wine was exquisite and the service terrific.

The next night, my wife Anita and I decided to try one of the city’s most popular places, a well-reviewed, don’t-miss spot that we (having not learned our lesson) haven’t made reservations for on a Saturday night.

But it’s way early, so we decide to give it a try right as the doors open. The owner/maitre d' is a friendly, garrulous godfather-sort, smiling broadly as we tell him our sob story about why we don’t have reservations (“We’re stupid!”).

He leads us to a table two feet away from where we’re standing, at the front door. With just the slightest hesitation, we give the wait staff our coats, take our seats and give an “it-all-worked-out” smile to one another. The waitress pours us some water and we start looking over the menu.

That’s when all kinds of crazy started to break out…

A group of would-be diners entered. Apparently it was some folks the owner knew, because they all stood there talking loudly and animatedly in Italian. Another couple entered and went to the bar, which was right on the other side of our tiny table. All of a sudden, it was as if we were sitting in a beehive.

Anita and I looked at one another, each of us getting more and more uncomfortable with the setting and realizing that it was only going to get worse as more people began arriving. However, considering that restaurants here charge a seating fee and no-telling-what for water, we were already on the hook.

It got louder and louder, until we finally agreed that even if the food was the best ever prepared, there was no way we were going to enjoy this meal. We were having the other kind of reservations, we told the waitress, who didn’t speaka the language. We wanted out!

The owner came over and made a big show of releasing us from our dining obligation. He was friendly enough, but there was a slight tinge of sour grapes that had nothing to do with the wine list.

Shaken slightly, we headed back to the restaurant we had enjoyed so much the day before, hoping we could finagle our way in on a busy Saturday night.

It turned out not to be a problem, as we were the only other diners once again. And once again, it was an outstanding meal (except, if I had it to do over, I probably wouldn’t order the sea monster).

Obviously, this was our place.

Postcards from Cortona

2011-12-05T06:00:00.003-06:00

Under the Tuscan… Sunofabitch!

2011-12-04T06:07:00.005-06:00

For the next few days, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

It’s been a whirlwind week in Italy for my wife Anita and I, filled mostly with touristy stops (feating our eyes on Da Vinci’s Last Supper in Milan, gondola gallivanting in Venice, art-appreciatin’ Michelangelo’s David and Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus in Florence, gulping down gelato… well… everywhere).

Now our vacation shifts out to a little house we’ve rented in Cortona, a little city surrounded by Etruscan walls - around 3000 years old - that was the setting from the movie Under the Tuscan Sun.

The city’s small enough to walk around the entire city in a day (though I don’t recommend you try it) and isn’t quite as… how do I put this?… English-speaky, as the big cities we’ve visited.

Staying in a house is so much more relaxing that living out of a suitcase in a hotel, even though the hotels we’ve been in have been fantastic). It’s so relaxing that I think I’m about done with all this vacation blogging.

My pants are gettin’ snug and my long-lost scale is starting to beckon to me again.

It’s been a great vacation, but it’s about time to get Jack back to gettin’ fit.

Driving in Florence… Kill Me… Please Kill Me…

2011-12-02T06:08:00.004-06:00

For the next few days, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

I woke up with the nightmare still freshly imprinted on my brain: I was driving, in heavy traffic, a car in which I couldn’t control the steering. Oh, I was yanking and turning the wheel, but the car wouldn’t do what I wanted, until finally we smashed into an oncoming vehicle.

My wife Anita and I had a quick breakfast, grabbed our suitcases and tromped the dozen or so blocks down to where we’d arranged to pick up our rent-a-car. To say I wasn’t feeling great about getting behind the wheel would be an understatement.

I hadn’t even gotten comfortable walking around in Florence. The traffic was insane and motorcycles zipped in and out of lanes willy-nilly.

So, with head hanging low, I took the keys to our car and squeezed in behind the wheel. It was raining – of course it was raining! – and the guy at the rental desk informed us that our GPS wouldn’t work in this part of the city for some reason or another – of course it wouldn’t work in the city for some reason or another!

And just redline my stress level, I had to grapple with the fact that I hadn’t driven a stick shift in roughly 25 years, and–back then– my overuse of third gear and underuse of the clutch chewed up my transmission in about six months.

I sighed, turned the key, said a silent prayer and slipped into first gear. It was noontime… I’m sure the very worst time to be driving around in a rainy, trafficy city with lots of one-way streets, roundabouts, crazy drivers and signs in a language I didn’t understand.

Let’s do this!

With my wife Anita navigating (“Next right, then next left… ummm… then something weird with a roundabout…”), we jumped into the deep end. We missed one of our turns, but figured we were kinda going in the right direction, so we motored on. What’s the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, a wreck in a terrible part of town in the rain. Quit asking me what the worst thing that could happen is! I’M TRYING TO DRIVE HERE!

Then we went through a tunnel and our GPS burped to life. We had one more scary, everybody-honking-at-us moment at an automated toll booth, but then we were on a major highway and everything was alright (after I realized that you need to drive 100 miles an hour in the slow lane).

About 10 miles outside of Florence, my butt finally unclenched and I let out a deep breath.

Next stop: Cortona!

Choosing a Rent-A-Car in Europe

2011-12-01T06:03:00.003-06:00

There are a variety of choices available when it comes to renting a car in Italy. I've tried to provide some pros and cons of the most popular models available at the rent-a-car agencies.

The Dodge Deathtrap is somewhat safer than riding a bicycle, though not quite as fast. Pro: Easy to park. Con: Blows away in moderate winds.

The Ford Flapadoodle is a small yet sporty roadster that gets 75 kilometers per pint (tank holds two pints). Pro: Chicks think it's cute. Con: Can't get out of a pothole.

The Casalini Canoodle seats one and a half comfortably. Pro: Impossible to get speeding ticket. Con: Windshield made from Saran Wrap.

The Berkshire Brouhaha is a stylish, economical choice with enough trunk space to carry several pine cones. Pro: In accident, chances are other car won't have a scratch. Con: Only one pedal for clutch, gas and brake.

The Daimler Doodlebug offers plenty of headroom and can turn 360° in place. Pro: Dishwasher safe. Con: Last mechanic that knows how to work on it died in 1997.

The Honda Hootenanny lets you basically go anywhere a motorcycle can go. Pro: Can fit into virtually any parking spot. Con: People constantly coming up to you and yelling "Was anybody hurt?"

The Fiat Flibbertigibbet has some parts that are actually made of metal. Pro: Glove compartment doubles as toaster oven. Con: Won't go in reverse.

The Ford Filibuster provides more leg and headroom than you'd expect and fewer gears than you'd like (two). Pro: Fantastic gas mileage. Con: Zero to 50 in less than a week.

Oooooooooooooooooor... you can say "The hell with saving up for my retirement!" and go with the Peugeot 307 Coupé Cabriolet convertible like I did.

That's what I'm talking about!

Ciaó, bitches.

How to Appreciate the Hell Out of Some Art

2011-11-30T06:04:00.005-06:00

• How dead is this artist?

• Have I ever heard of him before?

• Are they doing something terrible to Jesus?

• Is there lots of fancy gold in the painting?

• Is the frame ornate as all get-out?

• Is everybody else nodding and admiring it?

• Is some snooty professor-looking dude with horn-rimmed glasses pontificating about it?

• Isn’t he pompous?

• Don’t you hate him?

• Do they have a concession stand here?

• Do you think they sell Raisinets?

• How could I get a job sitting around playing games on my phone while I “guard” art?

• What if I stole a famous masterpiece, but then grew to love it so much that I just wanted to hang it up in my bedroom and admire it all the time?

• What would they do if I took out a Sharpee and started drawing Hitler mustaches on all the angels?

• I wonder what I’m missing on TV?

Remember, when you're appreciating the hell out of some art, it's not the answers that are important... it's the questions!

Now go hit up a museum!

Postcards from Florence

2011-11-29T06:06:00.003-06:00

The Crazy Adventure Getting to Florence

2011-11-28T05:30:00.003-06:00

For the next few days, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

Crap! We forgot to have a crazy adventure getting from Venice to Florence. What’s the deal with that? Doesn't Italy know I have a travel blog I need to make more entertaining?

But nooooooooo… my wife Anita and I simply take the waterbus from our hotel straight to the train station, buy a ticket from an actual person and have seats sitting right beside each other. This is gonna be the worst post ever!

We make it to Florence and make the 11-minute walk to the hotel in just over 20 minutes. It’s our personal best!

We’re right down the street from the Duomo (The Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore) and a massive hoard of tourists but we’ve made it here with our luggage and at least some of our money.

When’s the Best Time For a Gondola Ride? Right This Very Second!

2011-11-27T06:07:00.005-06:00

Every time my wife Anita and I spoke to a gondolier while in Venice, he assured us that that very moment was the best time to take a gondola ride.

10 a.m.? The perfect time! You beat the crowds!

1:30 p.m.? The ideal time! Everyone’s at lunch so you get a better deal!

4:45 p.m.? No time perfecter! Everyone else is preoccupied buying genuine Italian glass made in China!

We finally broke down and took a gondola ride. I mean, you have to! It’s Venice, for God’s sake! Yes, it’s touristy and cost too much, but you just have to do it.

Do’s and Don’t of Gondola Rides in Venice

DO negotiate for the cost, details and duration of your ride.

DON’T pay with a jar of pennies and nickels.

DO ask your gondolier to sing a beautiful Italian ballad.

DON’T ask your gondolier to riverdance.

DO sit back and enjoy the splendor of an old-world tradition.

DON’T engage in gondola races along the Grand Canal.

DO nod in appreciation when the gondolier tells you that you’re passing the home of Marco Polo.

DON’T ask if he’s the dude that invented that pool game.

DO use this as an opportunity to practice your Italian.

DON’T use this as an opportunity to join the “Rock the Gondola” club.

DO offer a friendly wave to folks on bridges as you go beneath.

DON’T scream out “LOOK AT ME! I’M ON A GONDOLA, BITCHES!”

The Really Good Restaurant Adventure

2011-11-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

For the next few days, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

Mostly our eating plan while on our Italian vacation has been (a) to stop someplace that looks pretty good when we’re hungry and/or (b) stop someplace that looks really good whether we’re hungry or not.

However, I had some across a tremendously well-reviewed restaurant that my wife Anita and I were dying to try.

I wasn’t sure either of us was going to have much of an appetite after visiting the Rialto Street Market, a huge collection of vendors peddling fresh fruits, vegetables and seafood. The appetite-killer was the little butcher shop that appeared to specialize in horse-meat. Giddy-up!

After a morning wandering through the market and an afternoon of more ancient church visiting (and stair-climbing), we decide to make our way to the restaurant for an early dinner.

All the guidebooks tell you one of the things to do in Venice is to “get lost”. Seeing as how the “streets” appear to be designed by a committee of lunatics, we have no trouble at all following this advice. As a matter of fact, we appear to spend most of our time fully dazed and disoriented.

I finally bite the bullet and turn on the data roaming on my iPhone, with the full understanding that it’s probably going to cost my daughter Pisa her college education. Thankfully, the phone’s GPS figures out where we are and leads us to our destination straightaway.

Unfortunately, it’s 5:30 and the restaurant doesn’t open until 7 p.m. Hungry and dejected, we wander over to a neighborhood park and hang out for a bit, watching some local kids race scooters around and older folks let their dogs visit the one phone-booth-sized square of grass in the area.

We get back to the restaurant right as it opens and, of course we hear the inevitable “Do you have a reservation?”

Whoops.

Apparently other people read reviews, too, and the place is booked for both tonight and tomorrow night, our last night in Venice. Anita has the good sense to check on lunch the next day (they do).

The next day, we give ourselves plenty of time to find the spot again. However, we spent so much time around the restaurant yesterday that we know it like the back of our hand. We walk straight to the place, and wind up getting there over an hour early. Are you kidding me?

We head back to our park to kill another 75 minutes, and I start getting worried that the expectations for this meal can’t possibly live up to all the time we’ve invested in it. This is setting up to be a disaster.

An hour or so later, we’re at our table and purring over a cheese plate and tapping our sparking prosecco glasses together. We’ve declared this our honorary 25th wedding anniversary meal.

No, it’s not a late-night candle-lit dinner, but like our marriage it may be unconventional at times, it may be something that we’ve had to work at sometimes and… it’s everything we hoped it would be.

Cheers!

More Italian Food Porn

2011-11-24T06:00:00.000-06:00

Eat Some Moré

2011-11-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

When in Venice, you should try
Some of their pizza pie. 
Eat some moré.

In my word you can trust.
Try the thin, crispy crust. 
Eat some moré.  

Menus come.
Yumma-yumma-yum
Yumma-yumma-yum.
Eat it up, that’s my motto . 
Pour some wine.
Diney-diney-dine.
Diney-diney-dine.
Let’s get some gelato.   

If you wanna drool, 
Order pasta fazool. 
Eat some moré
Every place, every street
Has great things you can eat,
Food you’ll love. 
When they bring out some cheese,  
You’ll say, bring out more please, signoré 
‘Scusami, but you see, 
Where’s my ravioli?
Eat some moré.  

Here in Venice, you should try
Even more pizza pie. 
Eat some moré.
Eat some moré.  
Tell the waiter, you’re ready
For another plate of spaghetti.
Eat some moré.  
Eat some moré.  

Desserts come.
Yumma-yumma-yum.
Yumma-yumma-yum.
And you’ll yell, “Holey moley”
What are you looking for?
Gimme-gimme-more.
Gimme-gimme-more.
Fresh cannoli!

Hungry fella.  

If you’re still hungry, boss,
Order pasta with sauce.
Eat some moré (Eat some moré) 
Enjoy all that you want 
In your favorite restaurant,
That you love. 
When they bring out some cheese, 
You say, bring out more please, signoré. 
‘Scusami, but you see,
Where’s my ravioli?
Eat some moré.

Postcards from Venice

2011-11-22T06:00:00.000-06:00

Nearly Sunk in Venice

2011-11-21T06:00:00.000-06:00

For the next couple of weeks, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

The moment I stepped outside the train station and viewed the Grand Canal in Venice, one thought ran through my mind: “Why the hell did I lug these heavy golf clubs over here?”

Seriously, Venice is a one-of-a-kind spot. I was going to waste a bunch of time describing it, but instead I think I’ll just include a link to this trippin’ virtual tour.

As we were riding on the water bus to our stop, we realized that our directions to the hotel were… ummm… a little less than specific. As a matter of fact, there was nothing after, “Get off the water bus at such-and-such stop.”

We got off the boat and saw the most impressive churchal structure I think I’ve ever seen. We slipped inside and I fired up my iPad, thinking we could use its GPSishness to locate our destination. Only the battery was on about 1% because I had been watching an entire season of Storage Wars on the train ride over.

So we start wandering the “streets” of Venice, lugging heavy bags down creepy alleyways that I’d never even consider walking down if I were in any other city on earth. After about forty minutes of wandering, Anita ducks into another hotel and asks for help.

Five minutes later, we’re at our hotel without being mugged, spending 500 euros or dropping a suitcase into the water.

This vacation’s looking up!

The Pickpocket Incident

2011-11-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

For the next few weeks, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

They warn you about pickpockets on the subway in Milan, but how can you know they mean you?

We’re bumping about, standing room only, in the subway on the way to the train station and a young pregnant girl is parked behind my wife Anita.

We’re still in a travelers daze, trying to figure out which stop will land us at the train station. Next thing I know, Anita is stooping to pick up her wallet, which the girl has dropped trying to ease it out of her backpack. She slinks back, away from us, and takes a seat on the subway. If she feels any remorse or shame, it doesn't show in her eyes. It’s just another day at the office for her, I suppose.

Anita buries her wallet and phone deeper in the pack and starts wearing it front-ways. I move my own wallet to my front pocket after briefly considering shoving it down in my underwear.

We’re both a little shaken by the near-disaster, and I continuously feel a little panicked when I can't immediately put my hands on my wallet. As if traveling in a foreign country isn't stressful enough...

At the train station, we purchase tickets to Venice at a self-service kiosk, but the machine won’t take my credit card or chip-and-pin card for some reason, so I wind up having to feed it most of my remaining euros. A day and a half in and we're already more over budget than a Lord of the Rings movie.

The kiosk allowed us to pick the seats we wanted, but somehow we’ve managed to put
ourselves a dozen rows apart for the 3-hour train trip. I settle in and hold my wallet with
both hands.

Next stop: Venice.

Italian Food Porn

2011-11-18T14:00:00.000-06:00

What I Learned From Staring at The Last Supper

2011-11-18T06:00:00.001-06:00

Features of a 7-Star Hotel

2011-11-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

So, my wife and I are on a tour bus in Milan, and the guide is pointing out attractions on our way to view “The Last Supper.”

One of the attractions she points out is … I kid you not… a seven-star hotel.

I can’t even concentrate on the other attractions that the lady is jabbering about because my mind is racing on what the features of a 7-star hotel must be…

• Every time you enter hotel lobby, they release 100 snow-white doves

• Hot and cold running art

• Walk-in mini-bar

• 1,000,000-thread-count sheets

• Mirror in bathroom makes you look 20 pounds lighter

• Instead of bidet, bathroom features trained chimpanzee who wipes your behind with moistened cashmere towelette

• Complimentary helicopter shuttle to airport

• Beautiful Asian lady stops by your room nightly to floss your teeth

• Chinchilla towels

• Wireless internet pre-set to block Jack Sh*t blogs

• Continent breakfast

• Button that makes entire floor rotate until you get view you like

• Closet filled with live chickens in case you feel like a fresh egg or some fried chicken

• Turn-down service includes Morgan Freeman stopping by to read you bedtime story of your choosing

• TV features HBO and CineMax

You Are Here?

2011-11-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

For the next few weeks, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

Chalk it up to travel-madness.

My wife Anita and I get the really helpful dude at our hotel front desk to draw us a map to direct us on the 5-minute walk to where we're supposed to meet our tour that includes viewing “The Last Supper.”

After wandering around for 20 minutes or so, we make our way back to our hotel and get the really helpful dude to explain it one more time, while shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I wish his English was terrible so I can blame our terrible ability to follow simple directions on him, but he speaks my native tongue better than I do.

We wander around again for another 25 minutes, and now we’re in serious jeopardy of missing our tour bus. We’ve been walking up and down the same block over and over, and the addresses seem to make no sense at all. Plus, there’s not a street sign to be seen anywhere.

We finally flag down another tour operator, who directs us around the corner to a place WITH A GIANT FREAKIN’ SIGN that we walked past SIX OR SEVEN TIMES.

With only moments to spare before we get left behind, we hop on the tour bus and breathe a sigh of relief.

“Phew,” I say. “Otherwise, we’d have had to go see “The Next-to-Last Supper.”

Postcards from Milan

2011-11-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

Know Your Euro

2011-11-14T06:00:00.000-06:00

If you’re planning a trip overseas anytime soon, please feel free to use this handy reference guide so that you won’t get monetarily mixed-up.

First things first: when you initially get your hands on some euros, don’t do what I did, which was yell at the bank dude, “Hey, I’m here on vacation; I don’t have time to play a game of Monopoly with you!”

However, it turns out that the euro is fairly simple to get accustomed to, but you do need to have triple-reinforced pockets due to the fact that it’s a very coin-heavy currency.

ONE CENT EURO COIN
Always keep at least one of these in your pocket in case you lose a filling from one of your teeth; you can just melt this little guy down and make very nice temporary replacement.

TEN CENT EURO COIN
Immediately throw this in the trash. It’s simply not worth carrying around.

TWENTY CENT EURO COIN
See “TEN CENT EURO COIN”

FIFTY CENT EURO COIN
Okay, we’re sniffing around at the edge of real money now, so pay attention. This is worth keeping around due to the fact that most public toilets cost anywhere from one euro to one euro fifty cents.

ONE EURO COIN
I got confused between the 1 cent/1 euro, so I probably threw away $50 dollars worth of coins. Yes, I know it makes more financial sense for governments to use $1 coins, but… like the bidet… I’m an American and you can’t tell me to carry around a $1 coin! I won’t do it!

TWO EURO COIN
Oh Hell no! So now I’ve got a coin that represents real money, only it’s in my pocket where I constantly forget about it. My wife Anita went to a public toilet that didn’t make change and dropped two 2-euro coins in a machine that didn’t make change. She sat in there for a half hour trying to get her money’s worth.

FIVE EURO BILL
This is the your go-to money in the Euro family. I don’t feel like rooting around through a pocketful of coins, so just about everything I purchase is paid for with this bill. It’s also my tipping bill; I realize it’s too much when a bellboy at the hotel hugs me and calls me “Papa”.

TEN EURO BILL
I don’t think I ever saw a $10 euro bill. Maybe they’re just a mirage.

TWENTY EURO BILL
Whatever you pay for with this bill… stick of gum, Coke Light (Coke Light? Coke Light?), Last Supper mouse pad… you’ll get nothing but coins back as change. At some point, your pocket or purse might start dragging against the ground from the weight.

FIFTY EURO BILL
A fifty euro bill basically represents one meal for two at most restaurants, including the service charge for sitting at the table, the fee for water and the tip that the wait staff seem always surprised to see.

BIGGER BILLS
I suppose there are larger euro denominations than these, but you can’t afford them.

Last note: When you return home, expect to find enough leftover euros rattling around in your luggage to get a good start on your next European vacation.

Happy Bidet!

2011-11-13T06:00:00.000-06:00

For the next few weeks, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

Anita: Jack! Did you pee in the bidet?

Jack: What? That little croissant you brought back from breakfast? I don’t think so.

Anita: No, the bidet. In the bathroom.

Jack: You mean the urinal?

Anita explains that the back-up toilet in our hotel room isn’t a back-up toilet at all; it’s a specialized device that’s apparently supposed to be used only for cleaning your… ummmm… whisker biscuit (woman), Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle (man) or Stink Tube (woman or man).

Like most Americans, I’m completely flummoxed by the whole idea of bidets. "Why can foreigners just use toilet paper like God meant for them to?” I ask Anita.

She explains it like this: “Imagine you’re traveling overseas, and you check into a hotel. When you get to your room, you come to find out that you don't have a shower or tub in your room. You look around the hallway, but there’s not one anywhere to be found. You ask at the desk about where you should take a shower, and the desk clerk explains that what you ought to do is just rub dry tissue paper all over your body. That is the very best way of getting clean.”

Jack: So let me get this straight... you want me to sit on this one, then sit on that one?

Anita: Yes, to wash yourself.

Jack: You’re sure about this?

Anita: Yes I’m sure.

Jack: Well, that airplane meal is coming in for a landing, so I'll let you know in a few minutes.